Nikhil Saluja

Just scratched my butthole with the corner of the couch and now I know exactly how the dude felt when he invented…

— Nikhil Saluja

Don't Take It Seriously * When the HUNTER says, Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots

— Nikhil Saluja

My parents used to be happy when I took naps but now they think I'm lazy.

— Nikhil Saluja

Followers, because calling them The people who are witnessing your failure is too sad.

— Nikhil Saluja

Being at home with loved ones all week has shown me how much I miss my miserable job.

— Nikhil Saluja

Why are their so many women on twitter? So you are telling me ALL the dishes are done?

— Nikhil Saluja

Sometimes you just have to erase the messages, delete the numbers and move on.

— Nikhil Saluja

If only forgetting a person was as easy as forgetting why I open the fridge...

— Nikhil Saluja

A Woman Never Say: Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!

— Nikhil Saluja

During sex I only stick with missionary, I'm afraid to commit to a sex change.

— Nikhil Saluja

Before twitter, I used to write all this shit down on Post-It notes and leave them around the city.

— Nikhil Saluja

It's so important to wake up and immediately start starring shit. Stupid Twitter ruined my poo time!

— Nikhil Saluja

When a girl cries, just yell happy things. YOGURT. PILATES. STOP CRYING PLEASE.

— Nikhil Saluja

Don't hold onto the past and make it a burden that you must live with in the future. Move on.

— Nikhil Saluja

When money grows on trees, you can bet there's a lot of grafting going on.

— Nikhil Saluja

I used to receive virtual smiles, sweet morning and night greetings. Now all I have is silence, and a blistered heart.

— Nikhil Saluja

People that correct you when you use the wrong who/whom are fucking idiots. You know whom you are.

— Nikhil Saluja

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants…

— Nikhil Saluja

I just got a tattoo of a toilet on my chest, when I take off my shirt you better recognize that I'm…

— Nikhil Saluja

Technically, it's not even cheating if he doesn't cum inside you.

— Nikhil Saluja

If her facebook status says in a relationship & it's complicated is it safe to say she fucks other guys?

— Nikhil Saluja

If you ever leak any pic a girl sent to you in confidence, you're a piece of pig shit. No question or…

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm like State Farm; when her husband leaves, I bang his wife 'like a good neighbor'.

— Nikhil Saluja

If any Twitter app showed how many times we've visited someone's profile, we'd be in an awkward position.

— Nikhil Saluja

Don't fall for lines like, God protects his servants in the clergy from harm.

— Nikhil Saluja

I have an idea for a bar where all the beer is free…but you have to pay ten dollars every time you…

— Nikhil Saluja

A moment of silence for all the teenagers whose parents wont let them eat in their room.

— Nikhil Saluja

Going out always seems like a good idea. Until you actually go out and remember how much you hate people.

— Nikhil Saluja

I just met this guy accidently who unfollowed me a few days ago. Not sure why he's on the floor without a…

— Nikhil Saluja

If we put half the effort in coming up with a cure for cancer as we do with good tweets we would…

— Nikhil Saluja

Do not cry for those who hurt you, this way you're making them successful, smile and be the winner.

— Nikhil Saluja

Cellphones are like a dog's nipples. You don't have to shout into them!

— Nikhil Saluja

Marry and make a woman happy OR remain a bachelor and make several women happy!

— Nikhil Saluja

If you follow a celebrity parody account on Twitter and you think it's the real person, you're a fucking moron.

— Nikhil Saluja

Twitters really just about tweeting dope shit and making girls you never met dream about you.

— Nikhil Saluja

Anger is such a wasted emotion. Half of the people you are angry with don't know it and the other half don't…

— Nikhil Saluja

Last night, my wife asked if I could make a dinner for a change. I'm glad she has such a good sense…

— Nikhil Saluja

No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in…

— Nikhil Saluja

Woman say:I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. Woman means:I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend now.

— Nikhil Saluja

What a beautiful day to walk around my city, staring at my phone.

— Nikhil Saluja