Nikhil Saluja

Boys, Women are easy. Tell them they're pretty. Compliment some shit. Fuck them like you hate them. Easy.

— Nikhil Saluja

Diet plan: 1. Only eat in front of the mirror. 2. Don't eat ever.

— Nikhil Saluja

I hate to watch people suffer. That's why I just shot the guy in the head after I ran him over.

— Nikhil Saluja

I just asked Siri to give me directions to the nearest mental institute and it redirected me to Twitter.

— Nikhil Saluja

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to…

— Nikhil Saluja

Had the big sex talk with my son. It was a bit awkward but I learned a lot cool things about vaginas…

— Nikhil Saluja

You are brave... when you overcome your fear and help others to do the same.

— Nikhil Saluja

Ways of Life : One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.

— Nikhil Saluja

Honey, you're getting Adele. - How I told my Girl friend she's getting fat.

— Nikhil Saluja

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

— Nikhil Saluja

Well son, your mother and I met on Twitter, then later we... NO DON'T LOOK AT HER AVI

— Nikhil Saluja

Nothing boosts my ego like seeing someone steal my tweet. Please continue doing that.

— Nikhil Saluja

Admit it, once in your life, youve tried to guess someones password & .. you failed.

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm happy I didn't belong to generation when people used gun powder to grow guns.

— Nikhil Saluja

If she didn't reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn't have good cell service. Definitely don't stop texting her.

— Nikhil Saluja

WIFE, The one person who in an argument, if you win -- you lose;

— Nikhil Saluja

History is full of strong, imposing women. Well, my internet history is anyway.

— Nikhil Saluja

Lazy rule: If opportunity doesn't knock on the door today, lay down and wait for him to pass by the next day.

— Nikhil Saluja

Broken hearts, love's deceit, pieces fall down to my feet. Broken promises, love's a lie, puddles form from the tears I cry.

— Nikhil Saluja

Twitter is like life. Sometimes, you have to pretend like you care about some people.

— Nikhil Saluja

When you have a bunch of cash in your wallet, you'll buy anything. But the last 10$ can last an entire week..

— Nikhil Saluja

When a woman tells me they're Gods gift to men, I say bullshit, the wooden back scratcher is!

— Nikhil Saluja

Alarm clocks are like teachers, they wake you up and piss you off.

— Nikhil Saluja

Failure doesnt mean you have been disgraced¦¦ it does mean you were willing to try!

— Nikhil Saluja

Men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have both experienced pain and bought jewelry!

— Nikhil Saluja

Friends we can't all be amazing and talented at the same time. I mean, except me.

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm not making eye contact because I'm busy playing with my phone.

— Nikhil Saluja

I love when people do that thing where their upper lip touches their lower lip.

— Nikhil Saluja

I have the entire dictionary written on my dick. In case you Want me to put some words in your mouth.

— Nikhil Saluja

Hey friends, remember when we used to keep thoughts to ourselves?

— Nikhil Saluja

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

— Nikhil Saluja

70% of the gay population was born that way; the other 30% were just sucked in!

— Nikhil Saluja

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

— Nikhil Saluja

I hate it when you have a conversation planned out in your head and the other person doesn't follow the rules.

— Nikhil Saluja

A sneeze is like a little orgasm. Sometimes it helps to close your eyes and think about your twitter crush.

— Nikhil Saluja

Do girls really look at penises and say Wow, I can't wait to put that in my mouth?

— Nikhil Saluja

When I say go away and leave me alone, I actually mean I need you to hug me.

— Nikhil Saluja

I hate when I'm about to write something inspirational and I puke all over my phone and have to get a new…

— Nikhil Saluja

Deleting your Facebook account is a quick way to find out what people will say at your funeral.

— Nikhil Saluja

MOVIE STAR, a Hollywood resident who cannot live in the institution of marriage -- but doesn't mind frequent visits

— Nikhil Saluja