All Dave Barry Quotes
- The bad news was that the yard contained a dog. A very, very large dog, wide and hairy, like a cross between a rottweiler and… Bad
- Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of… Accommodation
- Think, for a moment, of the countless happy childhood hours you spent with this amazing device: Drawing perfect horizontals, drawing perfect verticals, drawing really spastic… Amazing
- 2. The instant the doors open, you want to push forward as hard as possible, in an effort to get onto the train without letting… Anybody
- normal person's weekly chore list: 1. clean kitchen. 2. clean bathroom. 3. clean entire rest of domicile. cleaning impaired person's weekly chore list: 1. don't… Bathroom
- A short distance away is the Tidal Basin, ringed by cherry trees that every year produce flowers, an event to which Washingtonians react as though… Basin
- But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me… All
- There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head,… Brain
- Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but… Alcohol
- In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic… Aptitude
- We constantly see surveys that reveal this ignorance, especially among our high school students,78 percent of whom, in a recent nationwide multiple-choice test, identified Abraham… Abraham
- In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah'… Atheist
- The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green. All
- Smee! Raise the Ladies! Funny
- There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you finally see what goes on underwater,you realize that… All
- Can we move this conversation along, I'm getting frightfully tired of 'hoa'. Along
- If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE… Advancing
- ...when the armed robber of unhappiness knocks over the Keebler cookie display of our complacency, and bangs the samurai sword of negativity on the checkout… Afraid
- Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing. Despair
- Someone was tapping on the window. Funny
- If Peter was nine, and a new boy came to St. Norbert’s Home for Wayward Boys who said he was ten, why, then, Peter would… Boy
- Why don’t you lift the end?” said Alf. “It’s me back, Alf,” complained Mack. “You know how it troubles me.” “No more than mine troubles… Complained
- Cyrus Pembridge, the Never Land’s captain, was widely regarded as the most incompetent man to comman a ship since the formation of water. “Who in… Answered
- He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl. Distracted
- If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, you ran for cover. Black