All Dave Barry Quotes
- Headbangers' are people who like heavy-metal music, which is performed by skinny men with huge hair who stomp around the stage, striking their instruments and… All
- We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how Forget
- maybe somebody finally shot the dog. Dog
- The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most… Baby
- A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of… Almost Totally
- ...light overcomes darkenss. A tiny match can illuminate the darkest room. As long as there is some light somewhere in the universe, [darkness] can be… Darkest
- Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told. Democracy
- If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when there WAS a… All
- Most of the presidential candidates' economic packages involve 'tax breaks,' which is when the government, amid great fanfare, generously decides not to take quite so… Amid
- What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume… Assume
- Never trust anything you read in a travel article. Travel articles appear in publications that sell large, expensive advertisements to tourism-related industries, and these industries… Advertisements
- Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing… Ago
- Because of some defect in my motor skill, I can never COMPLETELY wrap [gifts]....If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies,… Ancient
- Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing… Centuries
- My son, Rob....said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be… Christmas
- For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest). Biggest
- The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you. American
- When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm… Average
- The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a… Automatically
- The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - to spew out paper. Constitution
- I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and… Any
- The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,… Coated
- A computer makes it possible to do, in half an hour, tasks which were completely unnecessary to do before Completely
- A program is a spell cast over a computer, turning input into error messages Cast
- Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies,… Colonies