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All Quotes by Dave Barry
- Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient…
- Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
- My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
- Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can…
- If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity,…
- The nicest Father's Day surprise of all for Dad would be if you handed him a box, and he unwrapped it, and there, inside, sitting…
- Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last…
- All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
- Kids have *_____ never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the original…
- Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an instinctive biological reflex that all…
- All these people helped make this book possible. But let me make one thing clear: If there are any errors or omissions in this book,…
- There are a number of people without whom I could not have written this book, but I hope you don't hold that against them. They…
- Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by 'they', I mean…
- It is a good idea to 'shop around' before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence…
- As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I refer, of course,…
- Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it…
- Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of…
- All the shopping malls and restaurants and airports are riddled with low-fidelity loudspeakers, which apparently have developed the ability to reproduce by themselves; these are…
- Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed up all night…
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- . . . a basic law: the more you practice the art of thankfulness, the more you have to be thankful for.… — Norman Vincent Peale
- Whenever my pocket money fall short. I start to think my life sucks. Then I think about all those out there who… — Anurag Prakash Ray
- All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire. — Aristotle
- Democracy arises out of the notion that those who are equal in any respect are equal in all respects; because men are… — Aristotle
- Don't be selfish and tell me why you're unfollowing me so I can retweet it for the rest and we all can… — Nikhil Saluja
- No cause is left but the most ancient of all, the one, in fact, that from the beginning of our history has… — Hannah Arendt
- Wise people, even though all laws were abolished, would still lead the same life. — Aristophanes
- Throughout all of this confusion, I hope I somehow get to you. I practice all the things I'd say to tell you… — Superman