Dave Barry Quotes

529 quotes in 6775 categories

• Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
• Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
• Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
• Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
• The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
• 'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
• The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
• We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
• The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
• The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
• Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
• Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
• The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
• I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad…
• Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
• The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
• It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
• If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that…
• Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient…
• Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the…

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