« All Funny Quotes · Dave Barry's Page
Funny Quotes by Dave Barry
- Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
- The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
- The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
- Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
- Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
- The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
- It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
- You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
- Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
- To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
- Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
- The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
- The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
- The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
- American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
- Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
- If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find…
- Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage because you're trying…
- Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed up all night…
- And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people? THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP. Great! Just what we need! Sheep that look MORE ALIKE…
- One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time…
- It was not easy victory in the America Cup. Our boys spent years experimenting with different designs for their boat before they came up with…
- The Japanese tend to be far more co-operative and docile and group-oriented. It would be easier to get the entire population of Tokyo to wear…
More Funny Quotes
- To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would be enough… — Hannah Arendt
- These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
- I'm literally open to any medium that will have me. — J. J. Abrams
- We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
- There is no great genius without a mixture of madness. — Aristotle
- I hope to make movies that are so small they don't need to make anything to be profitable. — J. J. Abrams
- I love recording music. — J. J. Abrams
- Hope is the dream of a waking man. — Aristotle
- Education is the best provision for old age. — Aristotle
- I've had the same friends since I was in kindergarten. — J. J. Abrams
- I also have this incredible love for women. — Kevyn Aucoin