Dave Barry Quotes

529 quotes in 6775 categories

• You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. Beer
• Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious.… Always Assume
• Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. Assume
• Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Any
• Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. Answer
• Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. Believe
• It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. Always Rains
• People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. Almost Never
• The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. Call
• To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. Adolescent
• It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm… Ask
• Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. Dies
• Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. Accidents
• We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. Citizens
• Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently… Always Go
• Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. Auto
• The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. Closely
• Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. Cake
• Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. Attracted
• The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. Funny

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