All Dave Barry Quotes
- Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Anybody
- Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. Actual
- Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. Combines
- Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. Bullet
- The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. Basically Nicer
- 'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'. Bag
- The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs. African
- We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. Believe
- The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. Computer
- The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. Block
- Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. Advice
- Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. American Football
- The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. Chat
- I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad… Faces
- Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. Consumed
- The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. Dennis
- It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. Absorb
- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that… Achieve
- Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient… Alcohol
- Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the… Choice