All Dave Barry Quotes
- Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter. Activity
- Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed… According
- ...Hell, which as every frequent traveler knows, is in Concourse D of O'Hare Airport. Airport
- A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were… Child
- Many, many of you have written to me asking the following question: 'Dave, have their been any new advancements in the field of artificial falcon… Advancement
- It may be meaningless, but at least it's a gesture. Gesture
- We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like… Down
- I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a… Album
- I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'. Called
- Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it. Beauregard
- If Congress were to pass a 'flat' tax, you'd simply pay a fixed percentage of your income, and you wouldn't have to fill out any… Actually Understand
- As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I refer, of course,… All
- Back then, the entire Internet consisted of two slow, boxcar-sized UNIVAC computers about 50 feet apart, connected by a wire. It would take one of… Ad
- There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia. Anthem
- Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America, America
- Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II. Good
- Sometimes you panic and find yourself emitting remarks so profoundly inane that you would be embarrassed to say them to your dog. Your dog would… Dog
- Do not put this product in a big vat and drop rats into it from a cat-walk. Big
- But that's kind of an easy stance to be if you're a humor columnist, because you're tending to make fun of the government and the… Another Group
- Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger. Getting Larger