All Dave Barry Quotes
- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging… Actual
- Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a "dynamite" tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as… Advice
- And to you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income… Destroy
- Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons. Airless
- Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is… Academic
- You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible… Bummer
- I do not mean to be the slightest bit critical of TV newspeople, who do a superb job, considering that they operate under severe time… Amounts
- If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every… Aged
- The average tax payer is not a big voluntary supporter of the arts. The only art that the average taxpayer buys voluntarily either has a… Art
- Professional marriage counselors agree that the most productive and mature way to deal with marital anger is to stomp dramatically from the room. You want… Agree
- What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just… Desired
- Just get on any major highway, and eventually it will dead-end in a Disney parking area large enough to have its own climate, populated by… Administration
- Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday! Age
- The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each… Brain
- My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you're supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over… Amount
- Happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations... Asteroid
- Love and pregnancy and riding on a camel cannot be hid Camel
- It is a good idea to 'shop around' before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence… All
- Of course, the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by… Actually Read
- Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home. Babies