All Dave Barry Quotes
- Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it… Afraid
- Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? Doe
- I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell… Always Tell
- I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing… Any
- During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true vacation paradise, offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear mountain lakes and… August
- Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of… Abreast
- Imagine what will happen to this nation if large numbers of American women start using the Wonderbra. It will be catastrophic. The male half of… American
- The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even… Bermuda
- People don't think of writers as sex objects. The women who write to me and suggest that we ought to have sex usually turn out… Always End
- Without computers, the government would be unable to function at the level of effectiveness and efficiency that we have come to expect. . . .… Answering
- Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies,… Colonies
- The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a… According
- All the shopping malls and restaurants and airports are riddled with low-fidelity loudspeakers, which apparently have developed the ability to reproduce by themselves; these are… Ability
- Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it. Beer
- Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends… Approximately
- Megahertz: This is really, really big hertz. Big
- RAM: This gives guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest memory. That's important, because the more memory a computer has, the… Biggest
- Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed up all night… All
- And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people? THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP. Great! Just what we need! Sheep that look MORE ALIKE… Alike
- I find myself having these conversations where I go...You know, the guy, in that place. The guy in the place with the thing, you know.… Becomes