All Dave Barry Quotes
- Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you… Aside
- No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. Balance
- Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals. Appear
- Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.' Don't be silly.… Card
- Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet… Art
- The United States tried, by depressing the clutch of diplomacy and downshifting the gearshift lever of rhetoric, to remain neutral, but it became increasingly obvious… Became
- I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states… All
- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. Inspirational
- Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team… Care
- If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without… Ball
- Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate. Activity
- Directors are always changing things at the last minute. Actors will do a scene, and the director will say, ‘Okay, that was perfect, but this… Accent
- The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom. Ability
- You should not confuse your career with your life. Career
- Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain. Ago
- I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other… Accuse
- Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. Afraid
- Reading... a vacation for the mind.... Book
- You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I… Any
- The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form… Attached
- The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the… Alone
- Thus the white men and Native Americans were able, through the spirit of goodwill and compromise, to reach the first in what would become a… Able
- Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Actually Made
- It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently… Activity
- The voice belonged to Mr. Pzyrbovich, an algebra teacher who was always called Mr. P, for obvious reasons. He has a heavy accent, which a… Accent