Newt Gingrich has criticized 'New York elites' who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There's some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is running for president again. That will be attempt No. 3. Well, everybody needs a hobby. He's almost certainly running,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he's only 33… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they're gone, they got a fence jumper to house… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, 'No, not yet. OK, I made a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he's got his mother-in-law, who is going to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him 'their bright new star… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John Boehner - doesn't he look like every guy you've ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They're going to hike to the top of his money. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
How about this John Kerry controversy? So he's out there in California, tells some kind of joke and it backfires. He's saying… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy - but now… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the '90s when he starred on 'Baywatch.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
