The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Arnold Schwarzenegger is now governor of California. He is a very shrewd man - he already has all of his sex scandals… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The creepy stuff was that I have had sex with women who worked for me on this show. Now, my response to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
An old interview of Arnold Schwartzenegger has surfaced where he admits to smoking a lot of pot and having sex with hookers.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
