“I am who I pretend to be, and right now I’m pretending to be my own clone.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Im at the top of my game. And that game is Monopoly. Im standing on the board right now. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m at the top of my game. And that game is Monopoly. I’m standing on the board right now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Right now I have a milk mustache. I grew it on a cattle ranch, and then glued it to my face.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Right now is the youngest I’ll ever be, so I suppose I’d better act immature while I still can.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to raise my spirits. I’m feeling low right now, low by about three inches. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m willing to die for my beliefs, but over the course of a lifetime and not all at once right now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just got circumcised, and to help the homeless, I’m going to make a tent out of my foreskin. But right now… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I must be pregnant, because I’m craving some strange food. Right now I feel like eating organic, grass-fed cow cud, covered with… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Smiling is the way the soul says hello. Obviously a frown means goodbye. Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye?… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was driving on the highway and saw an orange sign on the side of the road that said, “Shoulder Work,” and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have aspirations of becoming the first man to put on a chicken suit, cross the road, and then explain my motives… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s the same with cell phones. I never answer them up to my ear. I always put it on speakerphone and hold… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If liquid courage smelled like cologne and gushed out of my penis, I’d make a better fire fighter than I’m not right… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My body looks the same, but I gained 20 pounds. The difference is that right now I have an erection, and before… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The sign on the side of the highway said “Shoulder Work,” and I thought, “I could go for a massage right now.”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Right now I’m naked, like how my pizza comes out of the oven. I like my toppings like I like my women:… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn’t be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If green is envy and blue is depression, then I’m feeling quite turquoise right now. But maybe with a little luck, I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
