“Last night the secrets of the universe were revealed to me, and they had nipples.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I submitted a poem last night to The New Yorker. They said it can take up to three months to hear back.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ran over some dog poop on my drive home last night. But I didn’t feel bad, because I didn’t vote for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“An octopus has eight legs. You know what else has eight legs? My bed last night. Oh, I didn’t have a foursome,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last night I read two books back to back. Tonight I’ll probably read both of those books’ front covers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last night my girl and I were knocking boots, but it won’t happen tonight, because earlier today I went out and bought… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last night I stayed up late talking about tomorrow, and today I regret it because I was way off (by about 24 hours).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There was an amazing party last night. I would have asked you to come with me, but the invitation read “Guest plus… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you last night. We started a shoe company, and a competitor (probably someone from Nike) attacked you,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I slept so long last night that when I woke up I discovered a city had sprung up under my left armpit.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last night I placed a handwritten note on the front door of my neighbor’s house that said, “Sorry, we’re closed. Come back… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went on a blind date last night. We watched a silent film. We stayed up all night talking in sign language.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I cling to our love like saran wrap on leftovers. If you want to know when dinner will be ready, the answer… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last night I snuck an orchestra into the elevator at my apartment. We made elevator music history until Marvin got his oboe… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last night as I was driving home, I ran over a guy in a wheelchair. But it’s OK—he was already paralyzed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a hot date last night. Things were going well so I took her back to her house, dropped her off,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ran over a dog last night on my way home, and then I wondered what my wife had made for dinner.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There was an eerie quiet about last night, like death sleeping on the beach of Lake Erie. I woke up with sand… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got hit on at the bar last night, and this morning I have a black eye. Sometimes you can be so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I talked to a mother of nine last night, and I thought, “Nine is nine years too young to be a mother.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I did something so stupid last night that I can’t even speak about it today. I took a vow of silence.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I talked to a calzone for fifteen minutes last night before I realized it was just an introverted pizza. I wish all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t care that I no longer have my grandma to keep me company at the dining room table. Especially since she… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If silence is the admission of guilt, then she must be really guilty, because last night I asked her a question and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Where was I last night? I don’t remember myself. I mean I remember me—I didn’t suffer from an out-of-body experience—but I myself… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Through the miracle of science, or divine intervention, a brick could be made soft, like Jell-O, and a blanket could be made… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
