Humorous Quotes · Page 54

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there

— Anonymous

Remember this: The house doesn't beat the player. It just gives him the opportunity to beat himself.

— Nick Dandolos

My medication must be wearing off I'm starting to think my jokes are funny.

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

The poor have little; beggars, none; the rich, too much; enough, not one.

— Benjamin Franklin

England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.

— Bob Hope

constituted a critical lapse in judgement and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely responsable

— William J. Clinton

Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed

— Mark Twain

The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn't got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it.

— Bob Hope

If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what…

— Thomas Carlyle

“As an unavoidable result of the inevitable loss of some physical and/or some mental abilities, many a man who has been alive…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Like every other good thing in this world, leisure and culture have to be paid for. Fortunately, however, it is not the…

— Aldous Huxley

Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all…

— Dave Barry

We need time to relax and enjoy ourselves too, no matter how dark the story. The occasional humorous moment helps with that.…

— Patrick Rothfuss

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why…

— George Carlin

He had that rare weird electricity about him - that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person…

— Hunter S. Thompson

“What sort of funny songs?" "My balls are swearing my balls are swearing I can't keep my balls from sweating ohhh no."…

— Anna carey

“Sophie raised her head. Light filtering through the trees dappled her face. “Hawk.” Charlotte looked up as well. A bird of prey…

— Ilona Andrews

A lot of opinions just really don't get to me. If anything, some of them were humorous and my favorite, you know…

— Keith Thurman

I love making people laugh, and to be able to be that humorous character was great. And I actually was very similar…

— Matthew Lewis

The Secretary, working in the Dismal Swamp betimes next morning, was informed that a youth waited in the hall who gave the…

— Charles Dickens

Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio sucks and did it ever occur to you…

— Bill Maher

“Dad said I had no respect for money and that if I didn't learn when I was little when was I going…

— Etgar Keret

“Artie: It's in here. Jim: Let's check this [box] first, Artie. Artie: Oh. [Finding a fake Sword of Kuniyoshi] Phony! How do…

— Wild Wild West TV

College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more…

— H. L. Mencken

“lonely, vaguely pedophilic swing set seeks the butts of children”

— John Green

A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice.

— Rich Hall

There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that.

— Mark Twain

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.

— Red Skelton

“I notice that I don’t experience much self-doubt when I’m talking about the weather.”

— Jason W. Freeman

“I met a few chimpanzees on my pilgrimages and I wasn't sure if they were just shrivelled-up villagers or chimps...”

— Jonathan Dunne

It's just as unpleasant to get more than you bargain for as to get less.

— George Bernard Shaw

“I don't think I'd want Mickey Mouse pimping for me anyway.”

— Haruki Murakami

“When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.”

— Nenia Campbell

“If the voices in your head talk to you, no one cares until they tell you to start killing people. Then you’re…

— Linda Armstrong

The Japanese are human beings like the rest of us, but they will strongly resent this insinuation.

— George Mikes

“That is my story. Believe what you will. I remember it all; I remember it still.”

— Mili Fay

Advertising is like learning - a little is a dangerous thing.

— P. T. Barnum

Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.

— Kathy Lette

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

— David Gerrold

Mom, thanks for teaching me about boundaries by never observing any.

— Anonymous