Rich Hall

Women say they want a man who knows what a woman's worth. That's a pimp.

— Rich Hall

The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters.

— Rich Hall

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're…

— Rich Hall

A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice.

— Rich Hall

Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side.

— Rich Hall

The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for…

— Rich Hall

Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

— Rich Hall

Foxes are rats in expensive coats. What are foxes associated with? Evil, wily, conniving, duplicitous, Fox News - worst news service on…

— Rich Hall

Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.

— Rich Hall

A hotel mini bar allows you to see what a can of Pepsi will cost in twenty years.

— Rich Hall

“Not many musicians can get 10000 people to show up and help pay his back taxes, and when farmers are going broke…

— Rich Hall

In Montana, a policeman will pull you over because he is lonely.

— Rich Hall

Ignisecond, n.: The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car door even as the brain is saying, "my…

— Rich Hall

“Good things come to those who wait, but shit pretty much shows up right away, doesn't it?”

— Rich Hall

The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.

— Rich Hall

As an American, I'd like to apologize - for everything.

— Rich Hall

The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,…

— Rich Hall

FOOVIEW (foo' view) n. The ability of a dog to inflict guilt from any angle in the room while he watches his…

— Rich Hall

The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

— Rich Hall

The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.

— Rich Hall

“If you do not have the innate ability to seek out someone's work on your own, and you have to wait for…

— Rich Hall

The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).

— Rich Hall

The first time I came to the Comedy Festival some nutcase shot a bunch of people in Tasmania. I thought, 'Oh, that's…

— Rich Hall