Humorous Quotes · Page 52

“Nice place," I said while prudently hovering near the only exit.”

— S.L. Viehl

I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

— George Carlin

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

— Phyllis Diller

“Put down that bottle and pickup an Oreo instead...you"ll live longer! #JustSaying”

— Timothy Pina

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

— Mike Harding

Every Harvard class should have one Democrat to rescue it from oblivion.

— Will Rogers

Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident.

— Woody Allen

“I think that the habit of gloomy poetry is very funny. It’s like a special competition in losing.”

— Miroslav Holub

Thou slave, thou wretch, thou coward! Thou little valiant, great in villainy! Thou ever strong upon the stronger side! Thou Fortune's champion,…

— William Shakespeare

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

— Bill Maher

The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period…

— George Carlin

“My question was:How did I go from merely seeing the dirty French Santa in a bar to being in his hotel room…

— Agusten Burroughs

“Tanner: I think that I might kiss you to keep your lips busy with something other than insulting me. Ella: If you…

— Melissa Lemon

“While like most men, Sam prided himself on being equipped with a supernatural internal compass that kept him from ever being lost,…

— clive cussler

“A relationship is likely to last way longer, if each partner convinces or has convinced themselves that they do not deserve their…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“I have made up my mind that I must have money, Pa. I feel that I can't beg it, borrow it, or…

— Charles Dickens

“Flirt with the old ladies and you’ll be fine,” I muttered, shoving my stuff into the cubby. He hung his green hoodie…

— Katherine McIntyre

“The fireworks continued to burn and spread all over the school that afternoon. Though they caused plenty of disruption, the other teachers…

— J.K. Rowling

“Breeze strolled over to the table and chose a seat with his characteristic decorum. The portly man raised his dueling cane, pointing…

— Brandon Sanderson

I have often been downcast, but never in despair; I regard our hiding as a dangerous adventure, romantic and interesting at the…

— Anne Frank

Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an instinctive biological…

— Dave Barry

Dr. Munro, sir," said he, "I am a walking museum. You could fit what ISN'T the matter with me on to the…

— Arthur Conan Doyle

“And here is my sweet little Annamaria,’ she added, tenderly caressing a little girl of three years old, who had not made…

— Jane Austen

“You’re practically begging for it, aren’t you?” he murmured. “No.” His chuckle rasped over her senses. “I like begging, Reagan.” “I’m not…

— Kelly Jamieson

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

— Woody Allen

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment

— Betty White

I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.

— Leslie Nielsen

The best point of my novels, I think, is their humor. I want to keep many my works humorous.

— Haruki Murakami

“Shock and desire have my nerves tingling like I've been struck by horny lightning.”

— Nicole Christie

There are very few things that I have any patience for that are not at least a little bit humorous.

— Elif Batuman

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish

— Chevy Chase

The lullaby is the spell whereby the mother attempts to transform herself back from an ogre to a saint.

— James Fenton

“I've admired a lot of people in my life time and some of them were actually alive.”

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

“To some believers, being on the pill or using a condom is a nonverbal way of telling God to go to hell.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I believe if I make God angry one more time. I'll be eligible to win a free Bible

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

— George Burns

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

— Groucho Marx

It is no harm to be an ass, if one is content to bray and not kick.

— Mark Twain

Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.

— Dave Barry

If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!

— Mae West