“My question was:How did I go from merely seeing the dirty French Santa in a bar to being in his hotel room… — Agusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“Where did you get that assault weapon?" "Assault weapon?" Zach turned his head to look at her. "Well, lookey there. You're cute… — Suzie Quint Copy Share Image
In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
“Graham Chapman, co-author of the "Parrot Sketch", is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace.… — John Cleese Copy Share Image
A house becomes a home when you can write, 'I love you' on the furniture. — Rick Sutter Copy Share Image
“A comedian is better than a politician; at least there is no doubt.” — Bangambiki Habyarimana Copy Share Image
"She's a very charming and delightful creature," quoth Mr. Robert Sawyer, in reply; "and has only one fault that I know of,… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“I'm going to go throw up now, because ive turned into my dad. If vomiting doesn't work, I'll see if I can… — Veronica Blade Copy Share Image
“You know you're having a bad week when you call 911, the paramedics come to your house, and one of them notices… — Cherie Kephart Copy Share Image
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin. — John von Neumann Copy Share Image
If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
I have often been downcast, but never in despair; I regard our hiding as a dangerous adventure, romantic and interesting at the… — Anne Frank Copy Share Image
The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is that the Democrat is a cannibal, they live off each other, while the… — Will Rogers Copy Share Image
“The surgeon tells me that you're a sorcerer," Pym said. "Is that so?" Jaki looked to the captain with the glare of… — A.A. Attanasio Copy Share Image
“literally: This word should be deleted. All too often, actions described as “literally” did not happen at all. As in, “He literally… — Tom Rachman Copy Share Image
I only read biographies, metaphysics and psychology. I can dream up my own fiction. — Mae West Copy Share Image
Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons. — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
