Humorous Quotes · Page 50

Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood.

— Cal Thomas

They say that Nero started the fire himself because he needed a suitable backdrop for his concert.

— Victor Borge

“Jewish vampires: Crosses & holy water won’t hurt me whatcha gonna try next?”

— Tasha Turner

“I admit I once threw caution to the wind… It doesn't fly well!!”

— Neil Leckman

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

— W. C. Fields

“Everybody says I am NOBODY, and you know NOBODY is Perfect.”

— shaikh mustafa

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

— George Carlin

Indeed I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong

— William J. Clinton

“Real life... Witches: Wiccan practitioners. Werewolves: rare strain of rabies. Zombies: Prions/Plague. Vampires: Hemophilia/Porphyria”

— Solange nicole

In this book I do not intend to give a blow-by-blow description of a sex bout: I find them inartistic, clinical and…

— Charlie Chaplin

I feel like my life has been very serendipitous and really kind of humorous. Everything that's happened to me has been like…

— Vicki Lawrence

“Sobs force their way out of my throat. I feel like I’m trapped in a disaster movie where everything is shriveling into…

— Paula Stokes

“Many millions of pregnancies—many if not most of which have each led to the birth of at least one child—were each used…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Sometimes two people stay together for the sake of the kids - two kids who sat under a full moon and pledged…

— Robert Breault

What I've always done as an entertainer is try to come up with things that people will find interesting, or compelling, or…

— James Taylor

There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to…

— Dave Barry

“Millions of business people are each constantly forced to choose between their desire to not be a bad person and their desire…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“He done his level best. Was he a mining on the flat.. He done it with a zest.. Was he a leading…

— Mark Twain

I saw a great Newfoundland dog the other day sitting in front of a mirror at the entrance to a shop in…

— Jerome K. Jerome

“After reading some of my stories, I once had a friend say to me, "I'd love to spend five minutes in your…

— Mark W Boyer

“Asher taps his fingers on his lips and I catch Amy licking her own as she eyes his mouth. "What exactly are…

— Jessica Sorensen

For those who believe in the quote, Laughter is the best medicine and are looking for a divorce quote on the lighter…

— Pamela Anderson

Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands…

— Dave Barry

“...he switched on the [flashlight]. When he did so, he instantly became the center attraction to a rowdy mob of those gnats,…

— P.G. Wodehouse

“Some people avoid thinking deeply in public, only because they are afraid of coming across as suicidal.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.

— E. W. Howe

If "ifs" and "ands" were pots and pans, there'd be no work for tinkers' hands

— Charles Kingsley

“Never can tell when you might come on somebody needs skinning.”

— Louis L'Amour

Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs. You may live.

— Ambrose Bierce

I only read biographies, metaphysics and psychology. I can dream up my own fiction.

— Mae West

If you could see my legs when I take my boots off, you'd form some idea of what unrequited affection is.

— Charles Dickens

“We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“wear flannel next to your skin, and never believe in eternal punishment.”

— Julian Barnes

“I didn't feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never…

— Diane Castle

“Knowing Finn thought I was an awful driver. Like, running of gas while getting a speeding ticket awful.”

— Laura Dave

“Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

— Groucho Marx

There is another theory that states: This has already happened …

— Douglas Adams

“I sprayed my dog with off and he still sits in my favorite chair!!”

— Neil Leckman

“Why did you buy them? Stop buyin my shit Austin! First the hay, now my horses. Why?”

— Kindle Alexander