“Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Merrill Krause - "My brothers have scared off just about any fellow who showed interest in getting to know me." Granny Lassiter… — Tracie Peterson Copy Share Image
“Well, more or less, you just got struck by lightning." "Wait, what?" My brain stopped processing for a prolonged moment unable to… — Elizabeth Sharp Copy Share Image
Dear iPhone, I have typed hahaha like a million times, yet you continually give me hagaha, bahaha, gagaha... I hate you. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
I went out with seven actors in a row. There are problems with that. I've had the really good-looking dramatic actor, and… — Jennifer Coolidge Copy Share Image
I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses."… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Regha called this life's like an ice cream, so quickly melt than freeze, if it runs out, we can buy again. But… — F's Copy Share Image
The 3 most difficult things to do in life. 1) Count your hair 2) You can't wash your eyes with soap 3)… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
This ain't Facebook... It's More like fuckbook... Sneakbook... Try to cheat n creepbook... lookbook... I don't like that hoe but I'm gone… — Bonita Bryant Morris Copy Share Image
I don't resent at all people saying, 'Oh, he's like a sweetheart'... but within comedy, it's a very funny way to talk… — Josh Gondelman Copy Share Image
A reputation takes years and years and years to build, and it takes one press of a button to ruin it. Don't… — J. J. Watt Copy Share Image
Meeting people at the bar is like going to the grocery store when your hungry - you bring home sh*t you don't… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
'Matilda' is my favorite movie of all time. It's so funny. It's about this girl who's so independent and smart, and she… — Storm Reid Copy Share Image
“You and pretty Tarquin had a moment today. Do you truly think he'll join us?' 'If you mean in bed, definitely not,'… — Sarah J. Maas Copy Share Image
What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Catholic school graduates exhibit a wide variety of qualities that will not only help them in their careers but also in their… — Joe Baca Copy Share Image
“You should go.' 'This is my room,' he points out, affronted. 'And that's my wife.' 'So you keep telling everyone,' the Bomb… — Holly Black Copy Share Image
I've always loved The Simpsons, just because it was really, really funny. As a kid, you love the characters. You know that… — Alex Hirsch Copy Share Image
The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know… — Jeff Foxworthy Copy Share Image
“Wow." Josh stopped and ran a hand over his shaved head. "I mean, yeah, there's no beating that. That's the Usain Bolt… — Tom Ellen Copy Share Image
“Have you ever or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage, or in terrorist activities, or genocide? I think we can… — Claire North Copy Share Image
The ones that learn by reading…… The few who learn by observation….. The rest of them have to pee on the electric… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
People think [baseball players] make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000. — Pete Incaviglia Copy Share Image
One of the greatest titles we can have is old friend. We never appreciate how important old friends are until we are… — Grant Fairley Copy Share Image
I see 'Jekyll' as a very scary comedy thriller, partly because Hyde is violent and frightening as a character but at the… — Denis Lawson Copy Share Image
The question that is so clearly in many potential parents' minds: 'Why should we stunt our ambitions and impoverish our lives in… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Angus is amusing himself by ambushing the postman. Och aye, they may have taken his trouser snake addendums, but they cannae tak… — Louise Rennison Copy Share Image
My hair has never been my greatest feature, so that was funny enough unto itself that my hair became so focused on. — Jennifer Aniston Copy Share Image
I think I was the only person in my experimental film class doing comedy. But my sense of humor and a lot… — Andy Samberg Copy Share Image
You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers,… — Larry the Cable Guy Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you are at a red light and you look over to see the person next to you and… — Mini-Mac Copy Share Image
“So what can I really do? If you can jump through a two-story window, then what can I do?" "You can do… — Courtney Allison Moulton Copy Share Image
Save myself from death is that it?! Is that why I've come here?! I'm not afraid to die! At times I've welcomed… — American McGee Copy Share Image
I hate that feeling when you close your eyes to apply shampoo, and get paranoid that someone will kill you in the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The awkward moment when your cell phone going full volume at a funeral. Even more awkward if your ringtone is I will… — Faith Barroa Copy Share Image
Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Religion is here to unite us. It's not here to divide us. If it's dividing us, it's not God's religion, it's something… — Hamza Yusuf Copy Share Image
The main evolutionary significance of humor is that it gets us from the closed mode to the open mode quicker than anything… — John Cleese Copy Share Image
“How long have you been standing there?" "Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger." "He deserved it.” — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
“So you're here by yourself?" “Yes." “Seems like an odd place to come by yourself." “I needed to get away." “Woman trouble?… — David Gilmour Copy Share Image
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