I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm so upset. one of my all time FAVORITE Bieber pages got hacked. they had over 45k. it's so sad to see… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies - and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking.… — Ted Alexandro Copy Share Image
“Poncho was in a red mood slanging with rage and needed to cook himself out of it , while shoving handfuls of… — Saira Viola Copy Share Image
'Cause if your love was all I had in this life, well that would be enough until the end of time. So… — Justin Timberlake Copy Share Image
A zooology teacher asks the class 'What is the one animal in the jungle that a lion is afraid of?' The class… — Melchor Lim Copy Share Image
People may say I'm difficult but I'm not. I'm a bit shy but it's funny how I can sing in front of… — Ben Howard Copy Share Image
“I don’t like seeing you hit.” “Well, to be quite honest, I don’t like being hit unless it’s by you.” As soon… — Tammy Blackwell Copy Share Image
I have been through tornado warnings before, but this is really scary right now.. There is a siren, and it's really scary. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
This may sound funny, but I feel my most beautiful when I'm clean, fresh out of the bath. I don't have to… — Faith Hill Copy Share Image
The eyes of a dog, the expression of a dog, the warmly wagging tail of a dog and the gloriously cold damp… — Barbara Woodhouse Copy Share Image
Why did the blonde send a blank letter to her husband in the army? They had a fight before he left and… — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
It's funny, I had dinner with my dear friend John Spencer last night and I'm not in the first episode, but he's… — Stockard Channing Copy Share Image
What's great about having an audience is they can let you know what they don't think is funny, and you can just… — Maggie Carey Copy Share Image
Ven you read the speeches in the papers, and see as vun gen'lman says of another, 'the Honourable member, if he vill… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
Landscapes are culture before they are nature; constructs of the imagination projected onto wood and water and rock. It is... difficult to… — Simon Schama Copy Share Image
When you're experiencing what's happening right now, all of a sudden everything that happened to you in your entire life melts away. — Bryan Kest Copy Share Image
As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
That awkward moment; When two of your friends whisper to each other right in front of you and you just sit there… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I figured if I could put together being funny about stuff and actual events, maybe I could do something that wasn't being… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I would like to open a restaurant, call it the Marilyn Monroe Café, and put hundreds of pictures of Jeff Goldblum on… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The whole character of Super Dave is a takeoff on people who pontificate. So one thing I never want to do is… — Bob Einstein Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, A ceremony favoured in England -- it's the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might… — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
Real men want women of any age who like them, who want to make them feel good and raise their testosterone level. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When you're at a comedy club, if you're not funny, you don't work. People will let you know, whether it's by booing… — Brad Stine Copy Share Image
The magic in performing as an entertaining ventriloquist happens when the characters come to life and the interaction between the separate personalities… — Jeff Dunham Copy Share Image
It's funny because looking back at my first contest, I was 15 and surfing the Haleiwa contest wearing this tiny bikini. I… — Alana Blanchard Copy Share Image
“Love is a damage made to the heart, violence, fate thats written, Changeable by distance, Breakable by time...!” — Honey Father Copy Share Image
I've never understood the point of ecstasy. I think if I wanted to get dehydrated and jump about with a load of… — Victoria Wood Copy Share Image
Guide dogs for the blind. It's cruel really, isn't it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair… — Steve Coogan Copy Share Image
It shouldn't be an issue that we have a black president. Gay marriage shouldn't be an issue. And women being funny shouldn't… — Ari Graynor Copy Share Image
A comedic look at the TV License, you stop paying it and you get clobbered, you pay the fine but continue to… — Sparki Dee Copy Share Image
Let me remind you that this is God's universe, and He is doing things His way. You may think you have a… — J. Vernon McGee Copy Share Image
“Seth turns to Laney and I. "Three months ago, I'm in Detroit protesting a free trade conference, right? Some pig shoves me,… — Hannah Harrington Copy Share Image
The Madonna tour thing was definitely funny that - you know, children were crying watching us... and it was interesting seeing how… — Ad-Rock Copy Share Image
Some people think that when they say something and they think its funny but its not. They think that the person they… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I swear, if someone says another, Why so serious pun on me one more time I will go murder Heath Ledger in… — Ryan Cardenas Copy Share Image
If you only cute with make up on...then you're not cute, you're just good at face painting. You should do kids parties...you're… — Kathy Woodson Copy Share Image
