Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!"… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Son: Dad, What's Between Mom's Legs ? Dad: Paradise. Son: What's Between Your Legs ? Dad: The Key For Paradise. Son: Piece… — Ali Bassam Copy Share Image
“I giggle a little at that, then firmly cut it out. No giggling. He is not funny. He is stupid and hypocritical,… — Leah Rae Miller Copy Share Image
When I'm stalking my exes on Facebook, sometimes I think, 'I should have never let her go.'...but most times I think, 'She… — Rudy Espinoza Copy Share Image
I think disability is the last bastion of political correctness, and people need to see that disabled people are funny. You know,… — Liz Carr Copy Share Image
“You know, it’s crazy what a little perspective can do to your life. For example…cotton candy is not as great as everyone… — Finn Eccleston Copy Share Image
When you start explaining why something's funny or finding a formula for it I think it loses some of its funniness. — Betty White Copy Share Image
Dear Santa, ( ) I've been good all year. ( ) Ok most of the time. ( ) Once in a while.… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Oh, my dear boy, were not going to punish you for a little thing like that! It was an accident! We dont… — â Cornelius Fudge Copy Share Image
The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my… — Lars Propst Copy Share Image
When a fat girl eats a cheeseburger, people think, "Ew, eat a salad." When a fat girl eats a salad, people think,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Oh. Well was this your first time painting a live model?” She nodded her head, with an almost guilty look on her… — Zack Love Copy Share Image
Google earth view gives you the amazing chance to see amazing places all over the world, from the comfort of your own… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“If a problem can be solved, there is nothing to worry about. If it can't be solved, well you can always buy… — Pablo Copy Share Image
I'm going to make a facebook account called No one. Then I'll like random people's status, then it will say No one… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
It’s necessary but not sufficient to learn and then work. You must learn from the work and learn while you work. — Judith Rodin Copy Share Image
“You are hereby warned that any movement on your part not explicitly endorsed by verbal authorization on my part may pose a… — Neal Stephenson Copy Share Image
I'm a stoic. When something goes down the pan, enjoy it. Make the best out of a bad job. I'm not the… — Vic Reeves Copy Share Image
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. — Oscar Wilde Copy Share Image
Women are like telephones; They like to be held and talked to, but if you push the wrong buttons you might get… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
He was drunk upon the average once a day, and penitent upon an equally fair calculation once a month; and when he… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
Pilot's pre-launch brief off the carrier to his passenger in a 2-place jet: If anything goes wrong off the cat, I'll say… — Myself Copy Share Image
“I don’t know what kind of movie would put their locations scout up at a YMCA, but if I had to guess… — Tina Fey Copy Share Image
“Feeling unable to maintain this detachment of attitude towards human- and, in especial, matrimonial- affairs, I asked whether it was not true… — Anthony Powell Copy Share Image
With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I… — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
On 'Bake Off' there's lots of stuff no one notices until afterwards. At the time you're too busy concentrating. All the other… — John Whaite Copy Share Image
“Oh, well, that's not bad, I suppose. I mean, I'd prefer devastatingly sophisticated - but almost endearing is more than I could… — Jane Costello Copy Share Image
People just want to have a bit of fun, something uplifting, funny, that's got a melody to it. That's what we try… — Michael Dapaah Copy Share Image
It's funny how much the lie of a life after life works with people. Even people who are non-believers seem to think… — Gaspar Noe Copy Share Image
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. — Navjot Singh Sidhu Copy Share Image
It is so cool to think that there are two female, Indian actresses on prime-time American network television who are considered attractive… — Hannah Simone Copy Share Image
ªTurnoff¬ when a female treat me like a I'm female...i was at da club in this female came up to me in… — IG:catone_2_funny Copy Share Image
I remember seeing McCoy Tyner in concert, and thinking that the music was incredible, but wanting to be invited in. I figured… — John Lurie Copy Share Image
“Jesper knocked his head against the hull and cast his eyes heavenward. “Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going… — Leigh Bardugo Copy Share Image
They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
It's funny: when I go to a school and speak, and when they hear the back story about me, they want to… — Jay Asher Copy Share Image
The book that made me decide to go into Russian literature was 'Anna Karenina,' which I first read in high school. The… — Elif Batuman Copy Share Image
Three high schools. I was funny. I thought I was being funny. I just had an opinion about everything that was said… — Damon Wayans Copy Share Image
Definitely, I think I fulfill a very funny Indian stereotype because I love technology. It's something I've always been interested in. — Manish Dayal Copy Share Image
