Doug Stanhope

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

— Doug Stanhope

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

— Doug Stanhope

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But…

— Doug Stanhope

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell…

— Doug Stanhope

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the…

— Doug Stanhope

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

— Doug Stanhope

The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't…

— Doug Stanhope

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

— Doug Stanhope

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

— Doug Stanhope

Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.

— Doug Stanhope

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I…

— Doug Stanhope

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus…

— Doug Stanhope

You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.

— Doug Stanhope

Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.

— Doug Stanhope

The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.

— Doug Stanhope

I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you…

— Doug Stanhope

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

— Doug Stanhope

The reputation of generosity is to be purchased pretty cheap; it does not depend so much upon a man's general expense, as…

— Doug Stanhope

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

— Doug Stanhope

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna…

— Doug Stanhope

“I watched 60 Minutes...and they showed this woman, she's in every kind of..thing like that. 'This woman', they say, 'she lost her…

— Doug Stanhope

I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!

— Doug Stanhope

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

— Doug Stanhope

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

— Doug Stanhope

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got…

— Doug Stanhope