The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying:… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
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