The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
“I watched 60 Minutes...and they showed this woman, she's in every kind of..thing like that. 'This woman', they say, 'she lost her… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, 'Gay pride, white power!' just to confuse people. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
It is a great advantage for any man to be able to talk or hear, neither ignorantly nor absurdly, upon any subject;… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual,… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child.… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying:… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
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