Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
"Close your mouth when you chew." That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things,… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying:… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
![“The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to…” quote by Doug Stanhope](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/34c/doug-stanhope-1528_acting_the-whole-acting-and-hollywood-thing-it_124805.jpg)
