“Oh, shit," said Arthur, covering his face with his hands for a moment and screwing his eyes shut."You've been co-opted.She's got you… — FayJay Copy Share Image
God has created us to love and to be loved, and this is the beginning of prayer-to know that He loves me,… — Mother Teresa Copy Share Image
You can't say happiness without saying Ha, penis. I JUST DIED! Why do I find stupid things like this so funny??Oh Tumblr.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
That's always a funny thing, when people think they're known for every little thing they ever did, and they're really not. — Fred Willard Copy Share Image
As a cartoonist I do what I find funny. As an editor I have a broader approach realizing that humor is inherently… — Robert Mankoff Copy Share Image
“I hate you.' My sister said it different than she said it to my dad. She meant it with me. She really… — Stephen Chbosky Copy Share Image
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV.… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Of course, Behaviourism 'works'. So does torture. Give me a no-nonsense, down-to-earth behaviourist, a few drugs, and simple electrical appliances, and in… — W. H. Auden Copy Share Image
“They would regret that they had not killed him; he would get out of that hole and find Juliana sooner or later,… — Isabel Allende Copy Share Image
Mable 'Madea' Simmons: What do you want to be? Nikki: I want to be a lawyer. Mable 'Madea' Simmons: That's good, I… — Madea Copy Share Image
There are a lot of comedic actors who are just out to be the funny one and get all the laughs and… — Jake M. Johnson Copy Share Image
I have read that, on the average, the Japanese are getting taller, but at the moment they seem to be about the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
One of the funny lines that Daniel Bryan said in a promo is that he made fun of me for driving in… — Mustafa Ali Copy Share Image
It's funny because before I joined the cast of 'Heroes,' I was an insomniac. I have suffered from insomnia for, like, so… — Dana Davis Copy Share Image
“Thomas,” the boss said. “How’s your father doing?” “He’s good, Sal.” Always the family questions first. That was Sal Demenci’s style. He… — Gary Ponzo Copy Share Image
“I’m an idiot. I’m ten times an idiot. God, I could just die.” Then I forged ahead because the last comment was… — Kristen Ashley Copy Share Image
“What are you waiting for?" shanna asked. "He's dying! Do it!" Conner looked at Angus. "Ye do it. It was yer idea."… — Kerrelyn Sparks Copy Share Image
“All superheroes have origin stories, like how Bruce Wayne’s parents get killed and he goes to Tibet or whatever, and Superman is… — Rachel Hawkins Copy Share Image
“Sydney did not believe in life after death, but in her experience, admitting this could lead to long and complicated discussions in… — Maureen F. McHugh Copy Share Image
“Lou, honey, I'll buy you a new pair of shoes if you'll stop flashing your panties at everyone sitting across the room… — Ronda Thompson Copy Share Image
“I was even starting to relax—a little—until he took me to his parents' house for dinner. I've never met two people more… — Gena Showalter Copy Share Image
“My brother spent a large portion of the agonizingly slow drive to school banging his forehead on the stearing wheel.” — Michelle Hodkin Copy Share Image
Thomas Jefferson once said. He said , "We should never judge a President by his age, only by his works." And ever… — Ronald Reagan Copy Share Image
Women are like iPhones: You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries: Rub one ball and… — Azgraybebly Joslan Copy Share Image
“Bet it would be even more awkward if I kissed you now, huh?' Yes, please. 'The next time we kiss had better… — Rebecca Yarros Copy Share Image
That is what I got into comedy for, to be able to challenge myself and just grow as a comedian and find… — Jaboukie Young-White Copy Share Image
You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs.All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then… — Cindy Crawford Copy Share Image
Sgt. Hartman: 'How tall are you, Private?'... Private Cowboy: 'Sir, five-foot-nine, sir!'... Sgt. Hartman: 'Five-foot-nine, I didn't know they stacked shit that… — Gunnery Sgt Hartmant Copy Share Image
“Setne laughed. “Nice try, dol. You guys sit tight. If you make it through the big shake-up, I’ll come back and get… — Rick Riordan Copy Share Image
You're a jerk, an asshole, and immature you don't make sense and sometimes, I just want to strangle you, but on top… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
My dad is really funny, and I have a strong memory of being proud that he could make a room laugh, but… — Rebecca Front Copy Share Image
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
The biggest mistake to most people Listen to half of the conversation Understand the quarter Speak all the time.. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
They say Dont' drink and drive . Well … Yesterday I was drinking a Juice box While riding my Tricycle . Yeah . Im a Badass !!! — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“He laughs. "Put some clothes on so you don't scare poor Kiara with your morning hard-on." I look down at my shorts.… — Simone Elkeles Copy Share Image
Dear teacher, its not fair to put all the smart kids into one group, sincerely failing and in need of the grade. — Drew Fonner Copy Share Image
I had been asking the universe and God to send me a way for me to help me. Show business has been… — Louie Anderson Copy Share Image
“You're considerate and funny and you're a lover out of my dreams. Should I develop a taste for luxuries- which I may… — Anna Campbell Copy Share Image
I had been an abject fan of Martin and Lewis when I was a kid. I just thought they were terribly funny.… — Peter Bogdanovich Copy Share Image
