If you're ever shot dead in an East Coast-West Coast rap war, I hope it's after you've recorded over 10 years worth… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The dog is very smart. He feels sorry for me because I receive so much mail; that's why he tries to bite… — Albert Einstein Copy Share Image
“What happened?" Wyatt asked Crystal, and stood back so the two of them could come inside out of the oppressive heat. "Why… — Cindy Gerard Copy Share Image
Million Dollar Truth : If Saturday And Sunday Don't Excite You, then change your Friends. If Monday doesn't Motivate you, then change… — Aditya Shah Copy Share Image
From a girl's point of view, guys always chase sluts and hoes. From a guy's point of view, girls always chase jerks… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Some nice lady came over here with food for us all. She claimed to be your mother. I don't believe it--you're an… — Amy Lane Copy Share Image
“Day had gotten a little nervous during one session when the doctor asked God how he would handle someone hurting Day now… — A.E. Via Copy Share Image
Any tragic memory I have I also think is really funny. On any given day, I can think about how horrible something… — Perfume Genius Copy Share Image
Want someone to stop texting you? send em this text: SERVICE ERROR 56: MESSAGE DELIVERY FAILED. FURTHER MESSAGES WILL BE CHARGED TO… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
One funny thing is, though, I wear my watch on my right hand and I'm actually right-handed. People always wonder why -… — Luke Evans Copy Share Image
I always say to my friends, 'We're the people who like funny TV shows a little too much, to the point where… — Esther Povitsky Copy Share Image
I've always liked being funny and making people laugh. I was a cut-up when I was a kid and was always doing… — Busy Philipps Copy Share Image
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's funny, the only song I didn't want to do originally was 'Oh So Quiet.' And it was the best performance and… — Saara Aalto Copy Share Image
We are often confident even when we are wrong, and an objective observer is more likely to detect our errors than we… — Daniel Kahneman Copy Share Image
One day I asked my heart - What is Love? Heart Replied - See don't ask me Questions which are out of… — Raghav Singh Copy Share Image
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
“Marcus couldn't believe it. Dead. A dead duck. OK, he'd been trying to hit it on the head with a piece of… — Nick Hornby Copy Share Image
A sense of humor is an important thing to have because when you get into an argument, one of the best ways… — Ed Sheeran Copy Share Image
Time and tide wait for no man. A pompous and self-satisfied proverb, and was true for a billion years; but in our… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“Irene gasped. "Have you taken leave of your senses, Stuart?" she hissed. "Have you?" Stuart closed his eyes. "No," he said. "Au… — Alexander McCall Smith Copy Share Image
I love nothing better than a dirty cartoon. I think that it's really, really funny to see adult themes in a genre… — John DiMaggio Copy Share Image
Real frontier-busting math explores new worlds . . . . If you can communicate that experience, somewhere between math and uncertainty, life experience provides the balance. — John Madden Copy Share Image
“There was a few seconds' pause. Then Amit said: I meant, what were you thinking just now. When? said Lata. When you… — Vikram Seth Copy Share Image
A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Erm…I don’t know maybe for kissing me and tasting so damn delicious, maybe for holding my hand in public, maybe for looking… — Becca Lee Copy Share Image
Compared to the other work I've done on TV, 'Breaking Bad' was funny. In the beginning, I described it as a dark… — Betsy Brandt Copy Share Image
“Good so be would you if, duff plum of helping second A," said the Bursar. The table fell silent. "Did anyone understand… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
What I fell in love with as a child was 'My Fair Lady,' 'Funny Face,' 'American in Paris,' and 'Singin' in the… — Dianna Agron Copy Share Image
Kill one man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill them all, and you… — Jean Rostand Copy Share Image
It's funny: when I was a kid, my mom would reorganize the record collection all the time. She'd have classical, she'd have… — Grace Potter Copy Share Image
“The waitress walk away. Everyone look's at each other and then laugh. The laugh it feel so cathartic. It break the ice… — Seinfeld 2000 Copy Share Image
But yeah, it's funny because I used to talk so fast before 'Gilmore Girls' and it took me several years of auditioning… — Liza Weil Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
“You know, Mac,”Cadmus said still looking out the window. “We may have to work on the way we tell our story …apparently… — Sulari Gentill Copy Share Image
I didn't think I was a humorless shrew in 'Knocked Up.' I think the women are just as funny as the men… — Leslie Mann Copy Share Image
“For a sane person to sincerely be happy that someone has succeeded, they have to either be profiting or likely to profit… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
The funny thing, I guess, is that my husband ended up being the muse of a book about the worst marriage in… — Gillian Flynn Copy Share Image
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
