Snoring is your body's way of telling everyone not to disturb me asshole can't you see we are sleeping. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I love the stage. I'm always sniffing around to see if there's something I can squidge in quickly. — Matthew Rhys Copy Share Image
Happy Canada Day to my new countryman if they ever reinstate the military draft here. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk. — Orlando Aloysius Battista Copy Share Image
Thinks its funny when people read someone elses status & start to wonder if it has something to do with them. — Arjun Loveable Copy Share Image
“What is it, you ask?" Kali said, trying to cover her surprise with nonchalant words. "I haven't thought of a name yet.… — Lindsay Buroker Copy Share Image
I've been posting little pieces of my songs for years. It's been funny because they've existed on my Instagram as 45 second… — Gracie Abrams Copy Share Image
A woman goes to a palm reader and hears that her husband will die a violent death. She asks, Will I be… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I studied natural resources planning and thought I could get a job at some marine park. But I was great at art… — Stephen Hillenburg Copy Share Image
I listened to Buddy Rich a lot, and also to guys like Clive Bunker, the original drummer from Jethro Tull. All these… — Marky Ramone Copy Share Image
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. What do you mean? responded her… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I love politics. It could be that, or it could be that my dad was always really big on, 'This is your… — Cody Rhodes Copy Share Image
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
The 'Awkward Moment' when ur when you start yelling at someome and they put there hand over your mouth. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you want others to follow, learn to be alone with your thoughts — William Deresiewicz Copy Share Image
Every woman deserves a man who respects her and every man deserves a woman who appreciates his efforts. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There's no such thing as a supermom. We just do the best we can. — Sarah Michelle Gellar Copy Share Image
Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? . . . Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
It's funny: your happiness is contingent on a bigger picture besides just yourself. — Debra Granik Copy Share Image
“I've been single so long that if I hug a brother, he'll get pregnant!” — Tranea Prosser Copy Share Image
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm not a comedian. I don't make things funny if they're not funny. I don't invent funny stuff. — Morgan Freeman Copy Share Image
I scream, you scream, both of us scream because we are being murdered while eating ice cream. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“Are you really speechless or has the vodka finally impaired your ability to function like a normal human?” — Heidi McLaughlin Copy Share Image
I hate when someone calls my phone and asks Who is this?you called me. WHO THE HELL IS YOU? — Punkinhead Abhishek Copy Share Image
There is a strange reluctance on the part of most people to admit that they enjoy life. — William Lyon Phelps Copy Share Image
I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time. — Gabriel Iglesias Copy Share Image
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no-hitter! — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I love because I care, I care because I love. If that's too much then your worthless and that's totally fair. — Zabi Khojazada Copy Share Image
