Funny Quotes · Page 880

I wonder if kids in China ever look at their happy meal toys & go

— Nicole Sider

Not everyone is going to like you and you are not going to like everyone.

— Nikhil Saluja

When I have a daughter, I shall name her Stacy. So I will be Stacy's mom thats got it goin' on. :)

— Anonymous

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

— Jimmy Carr

Savor what you are and not what everyone else wants you to be.

— Sandra Bullock

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

— Bill Bailey

You don’t have to have a boyfriend to be happy, to be pretty, or belong.

— Louise Brealey

“Do you never get exhausted being so wholly unbearable?”

— Tahereh Mafi

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a…

— Ron White

“So he slips his head off of Jeff's shoulder and slides out from under Evan's Armand shuffles down to the bottom of…

— Kate Sherwood

She's really nice, charming, funny and intelligent once you get over the feeling of 'Oh my God, this is Scarlett Johansson!'

— Adam Pearson

The commies are the only people on earth who think Star Wars will work. If they're that gullible, maybe we should have…

— P. J. O'Rourke

Note to self: If you do not know how to spell a big scary spiders name, DO NOT look it up on…

— Becky Eisele

I know some people say I can be funny. But there is always a deeper meaning to what I say. I am…

— Lalu Prasad Yadav

People will wonder, Am I supposed to think this is funny or serious? People need the comforting aural cue of laughter. It's…

— Anonymous

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

— Ronald Reagan

Beware of being the roller / When there's nothing left to roll

— Shel Silverstein

The fear of not having enough prevents many from seeing that they already are enough.

— Wayne Dyer

“How much detention did you get? "Two weeks. One per arsehole.”

— Stephanie Perkins

I used to love my neighbors, then one day they put a fucking password on their WIFI

— Avalon

“When the going gets tough, the tough gets napalm. -Nick”

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

Large like the Beatles, ask all my peoples, never make movies, so don't talk sequels.

— Pete Rock

Thinking for yourself is the thing on which everything else depends.

— Nancy Kline

God gives his hardest battles to his strongest warriors. Keep you head up.

— Florah

The funny thing about me that most people never really understand is that, at heart, I'm really a jock.

— Billy Corgan

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

— Bill Cosby

I'm not good at debating - I'm much better at pontificating.

— Laura Schlessinger

I will NEVER work a night shift at a restaurant because of the hash slinging slasher. :|

— Anonymous

Whatever we have words for, that we have already got beyond.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

“Women were created gullible. It they weren't no babies would be born.”

— Dakota Dawn

You can't always go to the well and have things be funny.

— Richard Ford

Two word's guys hate don't and stop unless you put them together!

— Anonymous

Remember a diamond is just a piece of coal that did good under pressure.

— Anonymous

“Isn’t it funny? You forgive people before they ask forgiveness. Later they expect your apologize.”

— M.F. Moonzajer

Why choose to be right instead of happy when there is no way to be right?

— Hugh Prather

This isn't a man who is leaving with his head between his legs.

— Dan Quayle

Everyone who tells a story tells it differently, just to remind us that everybody sees it differently.

— Jeanette Winterson

A German singer! I should as soon expect to get pleasure from the neighing of my horse.

— Frederick The Great

He who Serves his fellows is, of all his fellows, greatest

— E. Urner Goodman

Dear alarm clock, It might be you they hit on, but it's me they're sleeping with. Sincerely, bed.

— Green Monk