Funny Quotes · Page 863

The ever-whirling wheele Of Change, to which all mortal things doth sway.

— Edmund Spenser

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

— Milton Jones

Money is a bad god. People are a bad god. They don't have the power to do what God can do.

— Kenneth Copeland

I can't imagine actually singing on this show like I did on 'Felicity', but it would be kind of funny.

— Amy Jo Johnson

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

— Frank Carson

Maidens hearts are always soft:Would that men's were truer!

— William C. Bryant

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.

— Paul Lynde

I tried to see that every picture was better-looking than the person.

— James Van Der Zee

“Helion braced a hand on the door frame and grinned. 'How'd you convince Thesan to give you the better view?' 'He finds…

— Sarah J. Maas

High sticking, tripping, slashing, spearing, charging, hooking, fighting, unsportsmanlike conduct, interference, roughing…everything else is just figure skating.

— Scotty Bowman

Shave a gorilla and it would be almost impossible, at twenty paces, to distinguish him from a heavyweight champion of the world.…

— H. L. Mencken

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"

— Mitch Hedberg

I'm honoring you this Boss's Day by spending only half my workday on email, social media, dating sites, and pornography.

— Anonymous

“Elizabeth." I feel my smile on my face as I understand what she is doing. Though it's a strange one, she has…

— Shay Savage

“I knew it!" he cried, jubilant. "I thought 'twas you, but there's more of you now. You should've seen the likes of…

— Tamora Pierce

It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God…

— Lewis Black

Typing faster because someone has just pissed you off on the Internet

— Anonymous

If money is the root of all evil, I must be a saint because I never have any money

— Green Monk

The 'Celeb Juice' job was never mine - people just guessed - but it was quite funny to watch the rumours.

— Emily Atack

Who travels far will often see things Far removed from what was believed as Truth.

— Hermann Hesse

When someone calls you & asksWho is this? ... Like bitch, you called me! who are YOU?

— Anonymous

Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.

— James A. Garfield

Ghetto language. Bathroom = Baafrumm. Refrigerator = Fridgerataa. Remote control = Moken troll.

— Anonymous

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

— Groucho Marx

Trusting fear, while fearing trust and happiness often creates a less than happy life.

— Bill Crawford

I laugh in the face of danger.It's a silent laugh and I usually wait until danger turns around.

— Anonymous

Writing ''etc'' on an test because you don't remember any more examples.

— Ritu Ghatourey

Whenever cannibals are on the brink of starvation, Heaven, in its infinite mercy, sends them a fat missionary.

— Oscar Wilde

If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final.

— Cyndi Lauper

As life tends to become more and more distracting, let us firmly hold on to books.

— A. Edward Newton

Coding is a privilege, but that privilege is not available to most Americans.

— Ali Partovi

PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time and place.

— Ambrose Bierce

If your job title is head receiver, you know you're doing something right.

— Anonymous

You didn't catch me cheating. I'm a masseuse, my tongue was just giving her tongue a massage.

— Green Monk

The Bible was written by barbarians in a barbarous, coarse and vulgar age.

— Robert Green Ingersoll

“Love is simple, if you allow it to be simple." Julian to Hannah, Take A Chance”

— Alison Wong

“Adults who use big words in order to seem intelligent are annoying, especially those who are not intelligent.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Every one will be something worth while, something rare, something perfect.

— Wallace D. Wattles

I no longer believe that just about everything is funny, if viewed from the proper angle.

— Tom Perrotta

My responsibility to God is to live. That's the gift he gave me. What I do with it is up to me.

— Mary J. Blige