Happiness is being retired and spending all of my kids' inheritance before I die! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
For once in my life, I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Police have special ability from an ice. Whenever police say 'FREEZE!!' all people that they want will frozen — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I don't get it. If sperm contains more life than blood, then why don't vampires suck dick? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Youth troubles over eternity, age grasps at a day and is satisfied to have even the day. — Dame Mary Gilmore Copy Share Image
“It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth… — Mindy Levy Copy Share Image
Let's pretend there's nothing alarming about a tween fantasy movie causing cougars to fantasize about statutory rape. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I thought, 'Anyone can make up a lie, but making the truth funny is really hard.' But I actually had more problems… — James Acaster Copy Share Image
When you've had a relationship with anybody in your life and you both know what that relationship is, you don't have to… — Guy Pearce Copy Share Image
It's funny, I guess when I was growing up, I didn't really think about being an instrumentalist, per se. I didn't think,… — Jacob Collier Copy Share Image
“I couldn't think of anything helpful to say, so I resorted to humor, my shield of last resort. 'Just please tell me… — Laurell K. Hamilton Copy Share Image
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'm not good with time. Like, if I ask you the time and you say A quarter to 2, I wouldn't know.… — Nicole Polizzi Copy Share Image
You touch things lightly or deeply; you move along because life herself moves, and you can’t stop it. — Jim Harrison Copy Share Image
“Every single person is a fool, insane, a failure, or a bad person to at least ten people.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I don't know if I should thank you or whoever made you such a nice person. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If a philosopher answers your question, you will no longer understand what you asked in the first place — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
Its funny how far you will go to be there for a friend, but when it comes to you, they're not there — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The road by precepts is tedious, by example, short and efficacious. — Seneca the Younger Copy Share Image
A REAL man can get closer to a girl's heart , without unbuttoning her shirt — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Stalin didn't write any memoirs. He was too secretive. He was afraid people might read them. — Jonathan Lynn Copy Share Image
When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life. — Richard Lewis Copy Share Image
Sometimes you find that what is most personal is also what connects you most strongly with others. — Grace Paley Copy Share Image
“Fat people are funny … until obesity pays your loved one a visit.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Aggression only breeds more aggression. It only creates more fear and anger. — Margaret J. Wheatley Copy Share Image
The very commonplaces of life are components of its eternal mystery. — Gertrude Atherton Copy Share Image
When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool. — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. — Jerry M Wright Copy Share Image
The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Life is like masterbation, you keep going until something good comes out of it — Brandon Blease Copy Share Image
