Funny Quotes · Page 78

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

— Steven Wright

Saw - this - on - the - way - of - HOME - :D

— Melchor Lim

Where then shall hope and fear their objects find?

— John Ashbery

Magick is the Art of Life itself.

— Aleister Crowley

When I was young I knew everything

— Brian Vander Ark

Time'swheelsrunsbackor stops: Potterand clayendure.

— Robert Browning

“Well, aint this a kick in the dick!”

— Genocider Syo (Touko Fukawa

New STD called feelings. Don't catch that shit.

— Anonymous

A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'

— Mike Birbiglia

“Any one could write a book," said the taxi driver. "Yes, they could, but they DON'T," said Maeve Binchy”

— Maeve Binchy

I'm an Asian with a Southern accent. To a lot of people, that right there is funny.

— Henry Cho

My One leg is in Past, Another leg is in future and I'm peeing on the Present.. Lmao

— Vishak

There is nothing so far removed from us to be beyond our reach, or so far hidden that we cannot discover it.

— Rene Descartes

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

— Mitch Hedberg

The competitor is our friend and the customer is our enemy.

— Dwayne Andreas

The rules are: The more playful we get, the more we can get rid of the rules.

— Hans Zimmer

I bought a new printer because it was cheaper than ink refills. Now I'm wondering how long before new cars are cheaper…

— Azgraybebly Josland

The meaning of the presupposition is the method of verification… we know the meaning of the statement if we know the conditions…

— Moritz Schlick

I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO…

— George Carlin

When my erection lasts for more than 4 hours after taking Viagra, I don't go see a doctor, I go see a…

— Rudy Espinoza

Philistinism! - We have not the expression in English. Perhaps we have not the word because we have so much of the…

— Matthew Arnold

“What are those bulb things you're slicing?" "You've never seen fennel? It looks like celery and tastes like licorice.”

— Ken Jennings

I would love to play 'Funny Girl' or 'Evita,' but I idolize the women who have played those parts. I don't know…

— Idina Menzel

Society is really coming to a point where they're not asking if women can be funny anymore. We all know they obviously…

— Lauren Lapkus

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

— Art Buchwald

I didn’t write the rules. Why would I follow them?

— W. Eugene Smith

Any society that is silencing its women has no future.

— Hafsat Abiola

The price of leadership is criticism.

— Albert J. Dunlap

“You ought to sue that son of a whore”

— Stephen King

I’ve always lived in the moment.

— Yanni

Success is good for the character.

— John Mortimer

Am so hungry I can eat you...And I mean everywhere. O.o

— DUB$TEPPER

To make an end is to make a beginning.

— T. S. Eliot

If you kneel before God, you will stand before men.

— Leonard Ravenhill

Kings and such are just as funny as politicians.

— Theodore Roosevelt

“Dear Gods Nick what have you done while I was gone?”

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

Death is the supreme festival on the road to freedom.

— Dietrich Bonhoeffer

The longer you travel, the less you know.

— Laozi

Meditation is not about doing something

— Joko Beck

“Friends don't drool. Friends don't drool...”

— Barbara Kloss