Funny Quotes · Page 76

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

— Phyllis Diller

Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

— Chris Rock

Boys, if you don't look like Calvin Klein models, don't expect us to look like Victoria's Secret Angels.

— Cuts And Scars

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'

— Anonymous

Make us your slaves, but feed us.

— Fyodor Dostoevsky

I know what I do not know.

— Socrates

I prefer Offenbach to Bach often.

— Thomas Beecham

Leadership success is measured by the success of your successor.

— Myles Munroe

MARRIAGE, An event which is called tying the knot -- unfortunately, the knot can be a noose;

— Nikhil Saluja

An Airedale can do anything any other dog can do and then whip the other dog if he has to.

— Theodore Roosevelt

A woman is a creature who has discovered her own nature.

— Jean Giraudoux

I like girls to be wild but at the same time beautifully brought up and very funny.

— Karl Lagerfeld

St. Francis of Assisi was hoeing his garden when someone asked what he would do if he were suddenly to learn that…

— Francis of Assisi

It's so funny: I sort of fell into genre roles, but I'm not really a genre guy.

— Paul Wesley

It's not your life that sucks...it's your thinking that sucks!

— Louise Hay

I want to do things or write things that make people feel a bit more beautiful or tragic or something because there…

— Julian Barratt

Eliminate the mindset of can't! Because you can do anything!

— Tony Horton

Funny women are honest women.

— Elizabeth Meriwether

My Saturday nights now consist of me being buried in books, highlighters, and briefs.

— Anonymous

In the desire of the One to know Himself, We exist.

— Rumi

Let's commemorate our departed WWII veterans by eating German frankfurters and Italian sausages.

— Anonymous

He who loves community destroys community; he who loves the brethren builds community.

— Dietrich Bonhoeffer

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

— George Carlin

Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

— Charles Pierce

My friend thinks he's so smart, he said onions are the only food that make you cry. so I through a coconut…

— Anonymous

I think Britney spears was thinking of you when she wrote the song, 'womanizer'

— Anonymous

Few things loves better Than to abhor himself.

— William Shakespeare

I'd like to have a dog with me.

— Aphex Twin

I feel bad for the flu if it has to spend time in my body.

— Anonymous

Big things come in small packages!

— Stacey King

I'm a very jovial guy. I like to laugh, and when things strike me as funny, I don't hide the fact that…

— Michael Rooker

Men are like...Parking Spots. The good ones are taken and the rest are too small.

— Anonymous

Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit…

— Chris Rock

I once asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he once killed a grizzly bear…

— Bill Cosby

It was pretty good. Even the music was nice.

— Yogi Berra

You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk,…

— Dave Barry

I personally love the record-making more than the actually performing and travelling. It's funny, the drastic shift in lifestyle that comes with…

— Washed Out

If I could smoke from more than one orifice, I most certainly would.

— Graham Parker

Television is a weapon of mass distractrion.

— Larry Gelbart

We can have faith in the future only if we have faith in ourselves.

— John F. Kennedy