Funny Quotes · Page 74

Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep. Nine if you're ugly.

— Betty White

I'm here for every single one of you. If you ever feel the need to get something off your chest, justmessage the…

— Anonymous

You don't have to say everything to say something.

— Beth Moore

That we can be e pluribus Unum - out of one, many

— Al Gore

Nuclear war would really set back cable.

— Ted Turner

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

— Robert A. Heinlein

Facebook Teaches us that doctors are of no use, you just have to like and share a picture to save people's life..!

— Ritu Ghatourey

“So hologram means--" I finally said. "It means non-corporeal, yeah. Which sucks seeing as how there are a lot of very corporeal…

— Rachel Hawkins

The guy who stabbed himself with an icicle died of cold cuts.

— Nikhil Saluja

Include me out.

— Samuel Goldwyn

I learned that I' have to be detached if I was ever to achieve anything at all.

— Iain Pears

Woolsey bites on occasion

— Cassandra Clare

[when asked by his secretary if she should destroy all files that were over ten years old] Yes, but keep copies.

— Samuel Goldwyn

What happens if I do nothing?

— Robert Breault

There's just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop…

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm a - I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's…

— Ellen DeGeneres

“Tim and Raine are coming in." "Are they insane?" "Apparently.”

— Susan Bischoff

“I nearly had a cakegasm at the table. My eyes rolled back in my head, and I moaned. "Sweet Christ." I opened…

— Chelsea M. Cameron

“Whatever else the entity was, Young was starting to suspect it was also part cockroach.”

— J. Fally

He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot."…

— Bill Engvall

I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.

— Alisa Gattus

“What do you call a rifle with three barrels? A trifle.”

— Joseph Rosenbloom

Nature never gives everything at once.

— Samuel Johnson

Everything can be sacrificed for truth, but truth cannot be sacrificed for anything.

— Swami Vivekananda

Everybody in my family's funny. Being funny was highly encouraged in our family, I think.

— Catherine O'Hara

There's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with CHOCOLATE.

— Anonymous

What's funny is that you can think you really value your life until you almost lose it.

— Alan Alda

Always borrow money from a pessimist.he will never expect it back.

— Ace Kid

I started taking selfies since I was 4

— Kim Kardashian

I never admit or deny anything it makes me more interesting.

— Anonymous

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.

— Fred Allen

PRINGLES: The only chip company in the world that doesn't sell air.

— Anonymous

What are you staring at I am not a pole dancer!

— Anonymous

Art comes from life, not from the studio

— Marina Abramovic

All geniuses die young.

— Groucho Marx

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

— Henny Youngman

“I can see clearly now, my brain is gone. Lucy”

— Cathy Hopkins

Most men die at 25, we just don't bury them until they are 70.

— Benjamin Franklin

There is the fear that you somehow neglected to say what was really yours to say.

— John Updike

When you invite the whole world to your party, inevitably someone pees in the beer.

— Xeni Jardin