Funny Quotes · Page 73

To find the Beloved, you must become the Beloved.

— Rumi

Faith is the andtidote for fear

— Russell M. Nelson

You're the Picasso of pain.

— Pat Benatar

If you change your thoughts you can change your actions.

— Robert Kiyosaki

Beethoven can't really be great because his picture isn't on a bubble gum card.

— Charles M. Schulz

In about 20 years, the hardest thing our kids will have to do is find a username that is not taken.

— Anonymous

National League umpires wear inside chest protesters.

— Jerry Coleman

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.

— Mitch Hedberg

Brand is not what you say it is. It’s what they say it is.

— Marty Neumeier

Success isn't owned. It's leased and rent is due every day.

— J. J. Watt

I am not a clone of Sarah Palin. I have my own thoughts.

— Christine O'Donnell

When asked by someone how much money flying takes: Why, all of it!

— Gordon Baxter

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

— Milton Berle

Human beings create more than they destroy.

— Julian Simon

Monday, go home. Nobody invited you.

— Hussein Nishah

I know, I've never had boobs before!

— Olivia Wilde

Because my musical background is so diverse, it lends me to have very much my own style and it helps me to…

— Casey James

The day of the android has dawned.

— Brian Aldiss

If you want a high performance woman, I can go from zero to b**** in less than 2.1 seconds.

— Anonymous

You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting."…

— Mitch Hedberg

Whatever I do, when I'm working, I'm very serious. But after, I will play, I am funny.

— Sammo Hung

Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of…

— Jay Leno

Everyone’s competing for a love they won't receive.

— Lorde

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner.…

— Mitch Hedberg

Good quote it takes five positive statements to overcome one statement

— Bill Kirby

Living in London is funny - sometimes I love it and think it is absolutely amazing, but sometimes it is just exhausting.

— Anna Madeley

I don't act; I react.

— Gamal Abdel Nasser

Everybody who belongs to Christ belongs to everybody who belongs to Christ

— E. Stanley Jones

“All serious poker players try to minimize their tells, obviously. There are a couple ways to go about this. One is the…

— Dan Harrington

“Jesus, Martin, what the hell do I pay you for?” “My good looks, the occasional blow job, and my constant supply of…

— Adrienne Wilder

“Soak blanket in gravy and make a delicious brick wrap. Serve in All Gravy Room at the Mandrake Hotel.”

— Christoph Fischer

My neighbor use to like me until I put a password on my wifi.

— Anonymous

It's funny what funny is, because everyone's style is so different.

— Josh Blue

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

— Henny Youngman

IF you Salute your work,You do not have to salute anybody. IF you pollute your work,You have to salute everybody.

— Abdul Kalam

Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him…

— Ellen DeGeneres

Elizabeth Taylor is not beautiful, she is pretty—I was beautiful.

— Ava Gardner

Everybody hears, but few listen.

— Bobby Knight

Why is it that everyone complains about math I mean what about history and gym I mean those classes suck

— Drew Fonner

I’m afraid to close my eyes, I’m afraid to open them

— Heather Donahue