Art Buchwald

The things that matter most are not things.

— Art Buchwald

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought…

— Art Buchwald

I found out I'd spent my whole life believing things that weren't necessarily accurate. My sisters' memories of certain events are entirely…

— Art Buchwald

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

— Art Buchwald

I can now say without hesitation the Marine Corps was the best foster home I ever had.

— Art Buchwald

Writers are funny about reviews: when they get a good one they ignore it-- but when they get a bad review they…

— Art Buchwald

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

— Art Buchwald

No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather…

— Art Buchwald

Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

— Art Buchwald

When it came to writing about wine, I did what almost everybody does - faked it

— Art Buchwald

I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.

— Art Buchwald

An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.

— Art Buchwald

Every once in a while your world stands still... There are certain friendships that are so important they leave a mark on…

— Art Buchwald

I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies

— Art Buchwald

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

— Art Buchwald

The Marine Corps was the first father figure I had ever known.

— Art Buchwald

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants…

— Art Buchwald

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

— Art Buchwald

People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater, and even…

— Art Buchwald

On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.

— Art Buchwald

I earned my stripes as a Marine, and the Corps gets full credit for straightening me out. At 17, I was young,…

— Art Buchwald

Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.

— Art Buchwald

This is what makes me happy: ...Any music-free restaurant ... A grandson who offers to clean the snow off my driveway and…

— Art Buchwald

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even

— Art Buchwald

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

— Art Buchwald