There is a strange reluctance on the part of most people to admit that they enjoy life. — William Lyon Phelps Copy Share Image
“Are you really speechless or has the vodka finally impaired your ability to function like a normal human?” — Heidi McLaughlin Copy Share Image
I hate when someone calls my phone and asks Who is this?you called me. WHO THE HELL IS YOU? — Punkinhead Abhishek Copy Share Image
I scream, you scream, both of us scream because we are being murdered while eating ice cream. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time. — Gabriel Iglesias Copy Share Image
I love because I care, I care because I love. If that's too much then your worthless and that's totally fair. — Zabi Khojazada Copy Share Image
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no-hitter! — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Let The Rock understand this, he beats your ass in cage match last week and now your the number 1 contender? Well… — Dwayne Johnson Copy Share Image
Although it was constructed in 1536, the New York subway system boasts an annual maintenance budget of nearly $8, currently stolen, and… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
'Flying In A Blue Dream' was quite automatic. I was working on another song, and I took a break and picked up… — Joe Satriani Copy Share Image
Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it.… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
It's so funny how it's impossible for an American actor to play an English part or an Australian part. But by all… — Boyd Holbrook Copy Share Image
I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game,… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all the evil that was going on, he decided to send an… — Ana Copy Share Image
My dad was a very funny man - he's the one who taught me life would be awfully hard without humor! I'm… — Joan Cusack Copy Share Image
