When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Skiing: I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour tryibg to get the child to communicate. Then… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
I've always been intrigued with the variety of answers this generation will give their children who ask, "Where did I come from,… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods,… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled.… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?! — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity.… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
