Father Quotes by Jarod Kintz

“I decorated my ballsack in his honor. I wrote, “Welcome home, dad.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Show me how to lactate, and I’ll be the best mother a father could be.”

— Jarod Kintz

“He’s got the curly Irish hair. You can’t eat him because he might be your father, and you’ll spoil your dinner.”

— Jarod Kintz

“The name’s David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I’m also not my own father, if you were wondering.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I had a great view of the sunset. At least until father went and changed the channel. Dammit, dad!”

— Jarod Kintz

“Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I couldn’t have pulled it off if you hadn’t have pulled out all those years ago. So thanks, dad.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My father says I have a knack for business. And he should know, because he’s been bankrupt several times.”

— Jarod Kintz

“He doesn’t have sex with sheep—he sleeps with scapegoats. He is my father, and I haven’t seen him since before I was…

— Jarod Kintz

“After a few years of not talking, I tried reaching out to my father, but by that time he was already a…

— Jarod Kintz

“He’s only two years younger, but that doesn’t mean I’m not old enough to be his father. I grew up fast. Ah,…

— Jarod Kintz

“My father is half man, half Zeus. That makes me one quarter fake God. But that's better than being one quarter nickel.”

— Jarod Kintz

“My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy…

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m thinking of changing my name to “Son of Manana.” Of course it isn’t accurate, because I’m the father of yesterday.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m older now than my dad was when he was my age. Wait, that’s not right. That’s not my dad at all,…

— Jarod Kintz

“In life or death situations, my father has only been there once for me. So I'd like to tell him thanks for…

— Jarod Kintz

“I really relate to you,” I said to my dad. “I can tell we’re in the same boat, because I’m rowing.” When…

— Jarod Kintz

“A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a…

— Jarod Kintz

“I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Sounds have smells. Your father smells, and he’s noisy.”

— Jarod Kintz

“It is Father’s Day today. I should probably call all three of mine and say Hello, and thanks for possibly pumping my…

— Jarod Kintz

“My dad always used to tell me __________________. My dad never told me anything. He had nothing to say, and even less…

— Jarod Kintz

“My father taught me the most important thing about wisdom—that I was going to have to acquire it from other people. So…

— Jarod Kintz

“A brick could be used as a substitute for my father. I hate to admit it, but I think a brick would…

— Jarod Kintz

“My dad taught me everything I know about being a man, and most of what I know about being a woman. The…

— Jarod Kintz

“I’d like to change my name, as my father isn’t worthy of having the same last name as me. I’m a rebel…

— Jarod Kintz

“My two parents represent the single greatest influence on my life. And if my dad had been there for me, it would…

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him…

— Jarod Kintz

“Sometimes I feel like I’m living in my father’s shadow. But then he takes a few steps, or bends down to stretch…

— Jarod Kintz

“I stand to inherit a lot from my father, including high cholesterol and diabetes. Oh, and maybe a few Beatles records. Actually,…

— Jarod Kintz

“Growing up, Renaldo and his father had a great relationship. At least until his father went and slept with someone else.”

— Jarod Kintz