From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Uncle Sam’s not related to me. He’s stuck his dick in the American Pie too many times to be welcome at my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size," and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I suppose Orafoura was right about the vagina. It is such a wonderful spot to vacation. I’d recommend taking the whole family.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could keep a family of three warm for a lifetime, but global warming could do the same for the world… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With the money I spend on alcohol, I could support a family of four, assuming they are all heavy drinkers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Good thing my mother-in-law isn’t pizza shaped, because then I’d have to cut her up into eight slices and serve her to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On a map on my wall I relocated my family to Orafouraville, which is the capital of Kintzylvania, which is in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After the first meal with a new girlfriend’s family, I always like to say, “Will you folks excuse me, I have to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was joking about my clones to my family when my uncle Herman said, “Don’t do that. Don’t make fun of yourself… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The piece of junk is a piece of me. It’s a part of my family, and I can’t part with it. The… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I run my household like a marathon. That’s 26.2 miles of me taking orders from my significant other, who has significantly more… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Extended family is great. If you want to know how extended your family is, just go out and win the lottery. Your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To be surrounded by sixty people who make your life miserable is to be at a family reunion. But to be surrounded… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Jarod Kintz was born in Salt Lake City to a family of five. One father, and four mothers. Jarod moved around a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were playing table tennis, which angered my family because they were trying to enjoy their… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being strong is not the same as being a strong being. I should know because cowardice runs in my family, as I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sleep with family is a napkin (nap plus kin), and I used a napkin as a blanket. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When the food runs out, the family reunion is over. It’s cool that out of all my relatives, I’m the only cannibal.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There were 17 people at the funeral. 16 of them were there for a family reunion—mine. Discount space, you see.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like spending time with my family. And if you have the same last name as me, we might be family. I’m… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When your family dies, that’s a bummer, but that’s life. When my family dies, it’s a tragedy and the world is unbalanced… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“No more than two to a tricycle, please. When I said family fun, I didn’t mean this is a place to start… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
