“For a sane person to sincerely be happy that someone has succeeded, they have to either be profiting or likely to profit… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“I flopped on the overstuffed kitchen couch and watched him go. I wondered what would happen to all his films and photographs… — Joan Bauer Copy Share Image
People come up to me as I leave the stage after a performance and tell me tey saw my mother onstage with… — Lorna Luft Copy Share Image
When I was 14, I told my mother I was going to drop out of high school and go do stand-up comedy.… — Margaret Cho Copy Share Image
I was ballet dancing at four, playing piano by six, and doing commercials by 12. When I was 21, I was on… — Roselyn Sanchez Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“It is customary to have vampires in stories nowadays - they are quite the norm, just like wicked stepmothers used to be.… — Jane De Suza Copy Share Image
“Fear and shame are the backbone of my self-control. They are my source of inspiration, my insurance against becoming entirely unacceptable. They… — Allie Brosh Copy Share Image
“They don't fit you?" V asked his roommate. "Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People." Butch held his… — J.R. Ward Copy Share Image
A lot of comedy clubs are set up with people sitting at little tables and you have everything from the way they… — John Mulaney Copy Share Image
“There's a reason why most men don't read romance: Romance novels are wish-fulfillment for women. The fictitious men in romance novels fall… — Oliver Markus Malloy Copy Share Image
“When I am alone, my table manners are rather piggish, but i suppose that's because I don't eat at a table, I… — Kelli Jae Baeli Copy Share Image
“After the alarm clock, it is the turn of Mr Kellogg to shame us into action. 'Rise and Shine!' he exhorts us… — Tom Hodgkinson Copy Share Image
I sincerely believe that the collective efforts of many secularists during the past generation, resulting in the expulsion from our schools and… — Jerry Falwell Copy Share Image
“A great deal of a child’s life is being asked and being told things by adults and not knowing the answers or… — Shoeburn Ruffet Copy Share Image
“Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man'… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
“Bream Mortimer was tall and thin. He had small bright eyes and a sharply curving nose. He looked much more like a… — P.G. Wodehouse Copy Share Image
“Holding up my credit card so Gilley could see, I snipped it in half. 'You act like I don't have the numbers,… — Victoria Laurie Copy Share Image
I never know what my next thing is going to be, and I'm not out there specifically searching for one thing in… — Hilary Swank Copy Share Image
“When he and Wally stopped laughing, Homer said, ‘I’ve never seen the ocean, you know.’ ‘Candy, did you hear that?’ Wally asked,… — John Irving Copy Share Image
I always think it is kind of funny when it comes to wisdom, and I say God has a sense of humor,… — Benjamin Carson Copy Share Image
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
I'd say that that is a challenge, but it also is, again, it's helpful. It's helpful to have the discipline of, okay,… — Brian Henson Copy Share Image
“Was Charles I too stubborn to listen to reason? Could Civil War have been averted if the king had been more willing… — Antonia Fraser Copy Share Image
“Touched by an angel, my ass!” roared the woman, whom I recognized despite the ash covering her face: Moondance. “I’ll touch you,… — Carol Goodman Copy Share Image
since each child reads only about six hundred books in the course of childhood, each book should nourish them in some way… — Joan Aiken Copy Share Image
“Cáel sighed. “Look, right now? Either you want Rose, or you don’t. If you do—and, quite frankly, it’s obvious to me that… — Riley Shane Copy Share Image
Now the point of comedy is not just looking funny, it's use of language. We have at our disposal a great language...… — Barry Humphries Copy Share Image
As I was leaving this morning, I said to myself 'the last thing you must do is forget your speech.' And sure… — Rowan Atkinson Copy Share Image
“Among other possibilities, money was invented to make it possible for a foolish man to control wise men; a weak man, strong… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“The remnants of my dress hung like tentacles and from my back arched a pari of towering wings, feather-light but suggesting enourmous… — Alexandra Adornetto Copy Share Image
“Nowadays the standards had plummeted so far that I failed even at being a failure. I silently packed up. Nothing else was… — Arthur Nersesian Copy Share Image
“...'Well, I think of you as a straight shooter, Sheriff, but one who can't stop lustin' after the goddamn ineffable.' "She said… — Robert Coover Copy Share Image
“You’re a fool,” Quinhelm accused. “Any man who would allow himself to be bewitched by a woman needs a good dunking in… — Ann B. Keller Copy Share Image
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I love comedy with a passion, and I hope that shows in my work. I would never want to move an inch… — Darren Boyd Copy Share Image
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
“We were in such good moods, we even decided to hit Todd's house for candy. Sam rang the doorbell, and when it… — Kristin Walker Copy Share Image
“If you raise a daughter to be both independent and an excellent marksman, you have to accept the fact that your control… — Martha Wells Copy Share Image
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
