“Oh, I’m not objecting, I’d let a confused dishwasher marry us.” — Brandon Sanderson Copy Share Image
“I would like it very much if you pulled on something of mine.” Kale” — Patricia Lynne Copy Share Image
I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer. — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
I know what people like, and fortunately they seem to share my sense of humor. — Hal Needham Copy Share Image
The function of abundance is not to possess things but to use them and gather experiences. — Stuart Wilde Copy Share Image
The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance. — Peter De Vries Copy Share Image
I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers. — Steve Martin Copy Share Image
“My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason… — C. JoyBell C Copy Share Image
“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a store nearing closing without any customers will be the epicenter of employee mischief.” — Ellen Mint Copy Share Image
The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Being the evil undead wasn't fun anymore. For one thing, it was increasingly hard to get a library card.” — Sharon Ashwood Copy Share Image
The stuff that's going on is just so over-the-top, with the banking crisis and destroying the Gulf of Mexico, and the outrage… — Adam McKay Copy Share Image
I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
My dad's sense of humor was direct and sometimes surreal - his quick wit is well known amongst our family and friends.… — Tony Visconti Copy Share Image
“You have the most infernal habit when anyone says the simplest thing to you, of letting your lower jaw drop and looking… — PG Wodehouse Copy Share Image
“Perfect,” he groaned. “You are perfect.” He sank his teeth into her ass, hard, drawing blood. “And now you wear my mark,”… — Hanna Lui Copy Share Image
“After you are here, I will try not to become one of those parents who brag incessantly about their children, who force… — Suzanne Finnamore Copy Share Image
~I use humor instead of getting into that whole yes and no thing all the time. It's about just getting them to… — Marcia Cross Copy Share Image
The two real political parties in America are the Winners and the Losers. The people don't acknowledge this. They claim membership in… — Kurt Vonnegut Copy Share Image
