Humor Quotes · Page 488

“you should always tie your shoe before walking because u just might slip one day”

— Antwone Quenton Fisher

Those of us who spent time in the agricultural sector and in the heartland, we understand how unfair the death penalty is.

— George W. Bush

Manners with fortunes, humors turn with climes, tenets with books, and principles with times.

— Alexander Pope

Humor is the only thing that allows you to survive every pressure and crisis.

— Vinton Cerf

The thing that attracted me the most was comedy acting and people like Catherine Tate and Olivia Colman; people doing funny voices…

— Lolly Adefope

“[ We apologize for it taking so long, but IRL rewards require patience. ]”

— Daniel Thorman

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

— Rita Rudner

As the purpose of comedy is to correct the vices of men, I see no reason why anyone should be exempt.

— Moliere

I got involved in improv comedy. It settled me down when I was getting wild. I was sort of an evil teenager…

— Bruce McCulloch

The joys of making a comedy are that it feels very playful and silly, and the energy is totally different because they…

— Sophie Rundle

A lot of comedies are based on the reaction shot. You have one person doing something stupid and one person is generally…

— Richard Ayoade

“When you are being judged by someone that has no idea who you are always remember this: Dogs always bark at strangers…

— Shannon L. Alder

Jerry Seinfeld is amazing in many ways, not the least of them his ability to find humor, and convincing us to find…

— Tom Shales

“Cole?" Sydney asked. Alyssa said, "Now that we know for sure it's a boy, I'm trying out names to see what sounds…

— R.E. Butler

“For many years, February was a difficult month for me after the death of my parents. My father died in February, just…

— Mary Morrell

I know. That sounds like a lie. But Presbyterians know that every so often a lie isn't all that bad, and I…

— Gary D. Schmidt

A friend will calm you down when your angry. A best friend will skip beside you singing 'someone's going to get it.'

— Anonymous

“The city is full of terrible actors. That is what historians never say about Madras, it is filled with hams.”

— Manu Joseph

“Very touching," said a voice from the stairway. "Do you want me to imitate a violin?" - Damon”

— L.J. Smith

“Always believe the second lie. Second lie's the one they're gonna stick to, so you might as well accept it.”

— Tom Litchtenberg

If you make comedy, if you try and make comedy where no one gets upset or offended, you're going to fail.

— Tucker Max

Humor can bring people under the tent. And a good joke can deflect some of the intensity surrounding a serious subject.

— Ted Danson

“And-he was ashamed to admit--he had been known to carry off the occasional roll of duct tape. That stuff could be used…

— Sharon Ashwood

Social media, and the way the Internet works, you see a lot of funny things.

— Nicklas Bendtner

Comedy is easy for me, but with drama, I don't know... it's still the Holy Grail.

— Ricky Gervais

“Don’t be stupider than you need to be, I remind myself. Remember Calease? The last glowing girl you talked to tried to…

— Erica Cameron

It's weird that people expect me to be funny. I find it a real burden when I'm expected to be humorous on…

— Ben Stiller

“And just because a talking donkey tells you something doesn’t mean it’s true.”

— Matt Mikalatos

“Comedy and terror and autobiography and comics and literature-they're all the same thing. To me.”

— Patton Oswalt

I was always the funny guy. Everyone wants to hang out with the funny guy.

— Brad Williams

“Hector Berlioz’s witty comment, “Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of its students.”

— Robert Fritz

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

— Jimmy Carr

I'm quite sarcastic, and I'm funny, but not kind of funny. It's a weird funny, and some people don't get me, and…

— Millie Bobby Brown

A woman has to be intelligent, have charm, a sense of humor, and be kind. It's the same qualities I require from…

— Catherine Deneuve

“Joy was not the raw material of humor . . . The dark source was sorrow.”

— Sid Fleischman

We believe in healthy, hearty laughter -- at the expense of the whole human race, if needs be. Needs be.

— H. Allen Smith

“Newt was sitting on the ground with Frypan and Minho, all three looking as if they were waiting for the end of…

— James Dashner

“I do not believe in decent women who do not know how to play the piano.”

— Gabriel García Márquez

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

— Doug Stanhope

“She wished, as almost all kids wish at one point or another, that she could turn into a pterodactyl and fly away…

— Gina Damico