“Sweet Katilyn, you called me remember? There's nothing I wouldn't do for you?…” — Jessica Wennberg Copy Share Image
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“A man who can set out in a cab for a fancy-dress ball and not get there is manifestly a poop of… — P. G. Wodehouse Copy Share Image
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Girls want to be with guys who have a sense of humor-it makes them far more attractive to us. — Drew Barrymore Copy Share Image
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. Charles M. Schulz — Charles M Schulz Copy Share Image
Someone needs to make an app that alerts you every time your wife/girlfriend gets a haircut, so we don't forget to notice. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“My name is Nicomo Cosca, famed solider of fortune, and I am here for dinner.” — Joe Abercrombie Copy Share Image
“Solus walked over to the young brown-haired man and grabbed him by the front of his shirt, ignoring the look of panic… — Nenia Campbell Copy Share Image
And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“Ok, this farmer is driving down the road in his truck and he comes to a state cop in the middle of… — Robert Wintner Copy Share Image
And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
Fly-fishing may be a very pleasant amusement; but angling or float fishing I can only compare to a stick and a string,… — Samuel Johnson Copy Share Image
“David Greene was kind, and he had a sense of humor. He made your mother laugh.” That was all Gran could muster… — Kresley Cole Copy Share Image
The only reason I got into stand-up was because my brother told me to. I had no idea what I was going… — Adam Sandler Copy Share Image
“Wait, that’s your idea? That’s your expert advice? You’re going to tell these novelists to just keep going? You’re going to tell… — Karen Russell Copy Share Image
You've got to have a sense of humour about sex. When you look at it, it's all pretty ridiculous, isn't it? — Cat Deeley Copy Share Image
“Gemma,” I said, adding a singsong whine to my voice, “now I can’t scare her. You can’t go around telling people about… — Darynda Jones Copy Share Image
“I had a standing agreement with god. I'd agree to believe in him, barely, so long as he let me sleep in… — Richelle Mead Copy Share Image
I learned everything that I know about comedy and about show business and a lot about life from Carl. — Dick Van Dyke Copy Share Image
When Logo offered me my own comedy special, I said, 'Let's make it a double.' — Bianca Del Rio Copy Share Image
“Whatever one does, someone is always happy...then again, someone else is not pleased” — ArLeaBelle Copy Share Image
“You are such a kind and caring man, and so sizzling hot and studly. Please, please don’t go nutty on me.” — Nicki Elson Copy Share Image
“I've sort of been slacking off in my voodoo studies.I've trigonometry, you know?” — Kendare Blake Copy Share Image
“As an anonymous wit is supposed to have put it: "Hydrogen is a light, odorless gas which, given enough time, changes into… — David Christian Copy Share Image
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Whenever you're making a dark comedy, you're always looking for the yin and yang in an actor. — Jamie Babbit Copy Share Image
“YOU'RE ONLY PUTTING OFF THE INEVITABLE, he said. That's what being alive is all about.” — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
What's the difference between Justin Bieber and an abortion? I'd pay to see an abortion. — Amit Verma Copy Share Image
“Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tradegy for the poor.” — Sholom Aleichem Copy Share Image
I wasn't necessarily looking to do comedy on TV, but I don't think it's an accident that I ended up on 'Community.' — Gillian Jacobs Copy Share Image
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“There's only one way of escaping trouble; and that's killing things." Henry Higgins, Act V, Pygmalion” — George Bernard Shaw Copy Share Image
I think, for me, humour needs to be used like a strong spice - sparingly. — George Murray Copy Share Image
“At times I think I can hear my brain screaming, "I am reading here, so please, all other body parts, do your… — Camron Wright Copy Share Image
I don't think I've ever made any conscious decision to be a comic artist, but to me there's something quite anarchic about… — David Shrigley Copy Share Image
“Oh right,P and P ,” J.D. said. “You know, Tyler, you might want to pick up your balls—I think they just fell… — Julie James Copy Share Image
“Remember, so swashing anyone into the trunk of your car!” “Sure,” Lula said, “I know that” — Janet Evanovich Copy Share Image
My dad was a poet. He saw the world through unique glasses, with simplicity, spirituality, and humor. — John Carter Cash Copy Share Image
Thank God for the beautiful day! :) and thank God for making me BEAUTIFUL — Meow Opre Copy Share Image
