Dennis Miller

I lapsed into rude.

— Dennis Miller

I'd rather be funny than wise.

— Dennis Miller

I rant, therefore I am

— Dennis Miller

Some people like M&Ms plain, and some people like them with nuts.

— Dennis Miller

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

— Dennis Miller

Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?

— Dennis Miller

“Guilt is the reason they put articles in Playboy.”

— Dennis Miller

That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong.

— Dennis Miller

It's nice to be included in the broadcast food chain.

— Dennis Miller

Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it.

— Dennis Miller

Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.

— Dennis Miller

I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed.

— Dennis Miller

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

— Dennis Miller

If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.

— Dennis Miller

It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the…

— Dennis Miller

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and…

— Dennis Miller

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

— Dennis Miller

The left promises abortion rights and cradle to the grave protection, so the trick is to make it to the cradle.

— Dennis Miller

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

— Dennis Miller

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious.…

— Dennis Miller

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you…

— Dennis Miller

South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their…

— Dennis Miller

Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of…

— Dennis Miller

For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure…

— Dennis Miller

And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this…

— Dennis Miller

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If…

— Dennis Miller

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt…

— Dennis Miller

Seems to me we move the furniture, the French come in later and put the doilies on top of it...It's a simple…

— Dennis Miller

I've grown fonder for Hillary Clinton since she ran for the presidency. I think that it's emblematic of the Rolling Stones song,…

— Dennis Miller

Childbirth is a wonderful thing, but the reality is that it can dramatically change a woman's body. SUI occurs when the vaginal…

— Dennis Miller

Hey Deion, Bubbelah - maybe you'd better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you…

— Dennis Miller

Yeah, this country's founding fathers are a bunch of dead rich white men, but they did set things up so you could…

— Dennis Miller

I think abortion's wrong, but it's none of my business to tell somebody what's wrong, he said. So I'm pro-choice. I want…

— Dennis Miller

It's a cocktail-party circuit in D.C., That guy who couldn't master the guitar and get in a band and get laid, he…

— Dennis Miller

[The Internet] ... is an amazing communications tool that's bringing the whole world together. I mean, you sit down to sign on…

— Dennis Miller

Never have lives less lived been more chronicled.

— Dennis Miller

I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless.

— Dennis Miller

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

— Dennis Miller

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

— Dennis Miller

Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled!

— Dennis Miller