“Death can come slow. Death can come quick. If you've got one last breath, you better make the most of it.” — A.H. Scott Copy Share Image
“Yes. And also, if it's okay by you, I'd like to shut up now... Or possibly just go somewhere and swallow my… — Lesley Livingston Copy Share Image
I think proteins are really good for your brain. And your brain is where comedy comes from. — Carrie Brownstein Copy Share Image
“If you can love cats, you can love human beings, because you have to be able to love them without getting them… — Chris Kelly Copy Share Image
If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity. — Natasha Leggero Copy Share Image
I can't help but wonder what would happen if I removed the USB before my device was ready... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Some folks say that you can’t get rid of a problem until you shuck it. So, brother, let’s start shucking.” — Richard Puz Copy Share Image
Laughter not time destroyed my voice And put that crack in it, And when the moon's pot-bellied I get a laughing fit. — William Butler Yeats Copy Share Image
“I was afraid of anyone in a costume. A trip to see Santa might as well have been a trip to sit… — Paul Feig Copy Share Image
“You’ve never called the baby by name before.” This earned her a twitch of his lips, maybe impatience, maybe humor. “We’re drinking… — Grace Burrowes Copy Share Image
Laughter keeps you healthy. You can survive by seeing the humor in everything. Thumb your nose at sadness; turn the tables on… — Bel Kaufman Copy Share Image
“Jeremy and Karl and Elizabeth have known each other since the first day of kindergarten. Amy and Talis are a year younger...Now… — Kelly Link Copy Share Image
“Lord, I can’t live in his mashed potato world. I need my tubers scalloped and diced and baked and fried and different… — Lorna Seilstad Copy Share Image
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I wasn't classically trained as an actor; I wasn't pursuing standup comedy. I really came into it through the back door. And… — H. Jon Benjamin Copy Share Image
I think comedy allows people to accept the more difficult parts of history. And history, if it's presented wrong, is just very… — James McBride Copy Share Image
“If you can't be a good example then you'll have to be a terrible warning.” — Suzanne Braun Levine Copy Share Image
PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
We are targeted when humor is not taken in the right spirit, but that's a part and parcel of this profession. — Kiku Sharda Copy Share Image
Some comedy has turned into, 'Donald Trump's bad, isn't he?' That's a true statement. But where is your joke? — Michelle Wolf Copy Share Image
I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you like a conversational style of comedy, if you like comedy that's a little dangerous, I'm your guy. — Ari Shaffir Copy Share Image
Black and Mexican jokes are all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“If the overuse of adjectives is frowned upon in writing, why are expletives—the ones commonly used as adjectives—embraced?” — Carmen DeSousa Copy Share Image
I think it's important to have a sense of humor. You have to be able to laugh at yourself. — Engelbert Humperdinck Copy Share Image
“The size of a man’s understanding may always be justly measured by his mirth.” — Samuel Johnson Copy Share Image
“He stumbled out of his phlegmatic apathy, when she entered his life like an epiphany.” — Neelniki Copy Share Image
For me personally, being a comedian is having funny ideas and saying them: it's not just saying them. I need the complete… — Frank Skinner Copy Share Image
When certain people hear "'SNL' comedy," rightfully so, you expect it to be a certain kind of goofiness. — Will Forte Copy Share Image
It's good to be able to laugh at yourself and the problems you face in life. Sense of humor can save you. — Margaret Cho Copy Share Image
“It is always dangerous when your enemy has a sense of humor. Ask Batman.” — ian mcdonald Copy Share Image
“The secret to success, in all walks of life, is getting the right people to laugh at your jokes.” — James J. Rook Copy Share Image
“Bragging about your compassion is the first step towards feeling a genuine emotion.” — Bauvard Copy Share Image
“Regardless of what others may tell you, you only need two Mexican-Americans for a Mexican standoff.” — Alejandra Diaz Mattoni Copy Share Image
When you see 'MHN,' you will see that the film is based on relationships which are serious, but there is a sense… — Sushmita Sen Copy Share Image
That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
One does not contradict the other.Straight-faced is the basis of all decent comedy. — Christoph Waltz Copy Share Image
“What the fuck does he think he's doing anyway? And when has running around in a figure eight ever helped anyone?” — C. K. Kelly Martin Copy Share Image
People say funny things all the time during really serious moments in life. — Mark Ruffalo Copy Share Image
“Oh, goodie," Puck said as I stepped forward. "I'm going to have a rash in the most uncomfortable places.” — Julie Kagawa Copy Share Image
