Humor Quotes · Page 263

Bureaucrats shouldn't be in charge of comedy.

— John Cleese

On a scale of 1 to Adele, how tough was your breakup?

— Anonymous

I have a self-deprecating sense of humor, so I knock myself.

— Big Show

“True love is best found when you're broke.”

— Russell Brooks

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

— Joan Rivers

“I came from a disadvantaged home. They were Republicans.”

— Paul Tsongas

When all else fails, go back to bed. Repeat as necessary.

— Rock Cowles

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

— Mitch Hedberg

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.

— Mark Twain

“Bet you've never had a bear down your pants before. Though I'm kind of a bear in bed. (Rick from Back to…

— Erin McCarthy

“There is nothing worse than the day you find out that your parents are nasty, horny mortals like everyone else. It just…

— Candice Raquel Lee

I think I hang out with some pretty witty people, but we're never that funny.

— Bobcat Goldthwait

“It's not how fast you move through life, Vivia, or how perfectly you execute the moves, but that you do it with…

— Faking It (It Girls #1 Leah Marie Brown

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

— Anthony Jeselnik

“Luckily for us, I've never met a bad idea I did not immediately embrace like the dearest of friends.”

— Jennifer Lynn Barnes

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!

— Anonymous

“. . . Golden would find himself thinking that if he ever became delusional or foolhardy enough to outfit one of his…

— Brady Udall

“Ellysetta was sitting at the secretary in Rain's suite, penning a note to her parents, when Bel burst through the doors. The…

— C.L. Wilson

“I picked up a lot of my arguing-with-Mom techniques from Mimsy. She always says if you state the facts, Mom won't argue…

— Courtney Turk

“Just before she was about to hit send she deleted the kisses. In case the therapist thought she was leading him on.…

— Liane Moriarty

In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than…

— Dave Barry

I think the main thing that affected my comedy was that my dad slept in a nightgown for most of my childhood.…

— Jenny Slate

Comedy is helping a lot at the moment. It also seems to be getting under Trump's skin and revealing a lot about…

— Sharon Horgan

Each waking day is a stage dominated for good or ill, comedy, farce, or tragedy, by a dramatis personae, the 'self', and…

— Charles Scott Sherrington

That you, sister. May you be the mother of a bishop.

— Brendan Behan

Typing 'LOL' when your face has less expression than a brick.

— Anonymous

Every habit makes our hand more witty and our wit less handy.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

If you stretch tragedy, it will always become comedy.

— Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu

“I'm there to block your next move. This is a game”

— Poppet

it was her habit to build up laughter out of inadequate materials.

— John Steinbeck

I think it's funny when parents are idiots.

— Butch Hartman

“Starship command is like comedy, Number One. Timing is everything.”

— David Mack

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

— Henny Youngman

I think it's nourishing to do both comedy and drama.

— Carol Kane

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

— Steven Wright

Comedy comes with a bit of sarcasm, wit and edginess.

— Kiku Sharda

I'm a comedian, and my comedy has never endorsed violence towards gays.

— Sam Kinison

“You're Giving me a...stick" MaryL to a very dangerious vampire”

— L.J. Smith

In movies, comedy and tragedy are all the same.

— Jean-Luc Godard

Football is losing its heart and sense of humour.

— Gary Lineker